Getting a text from your lover after a steamy night of incredible sex is always exciting, but not so much when the text is super lame, which it always is. Even though you twisted your body into a fuckable pretzel last night, don’t get your hopes up, because he will never acknowledge the awesome look and feel of your acrobatic moves. Here are three incredibly hot sex tips that will still only garner you a horrifying text that reads, “That was fun.”
Blow Him In Front of a Mirror
Looking to not only blow him but also blow his mind?? Give him head in front of a mirror, so he can watch you. This way, he can see your whole naked body hunched over while you’re going down on him. Or why not face the mirror yourself, so you can catch glimpses of what you look like with a penis stuffed in your mouth! This will be so hot for him, and so scary for you. The next day, when he texts you, “fun time,” you definitely won’t feel better about this! You’re a BJ Queen garnering lukewarm praise!
Do It In Public
This tip has stood the test of time for a reason! But why not make it even more dangerous by bringing him to your office’s copy room and letting him fuck you on the printer? Doing sneaky stuff is hot, but doing illegal stuff is even hotter! Sure, you may get fired, and when you open your phone to “good times man”, you’ll definitely feel like you made the wrong decision in wasting your economic anxiety on this asshole. But I guess those were good times, though, man?
Forget The Condom
Wonder what it’s like to have a raw penis inside your vagina? It’s rawesome! Leave the condoms for the losers and just do it the way winners do: in the raw. He’ll be so happy you’re letting him in bare that he’ll probably cum so much and so fast. You may wake up the next day feeling disappointed in yourself for doing this, and you should! While you’re at the clinic getting STD tests and a morning-after pill, your phone will buzz with a text that reads, “fun” and you’ll know you made a horrible decision. But now you know you’re fun?
Congratulations on blowing his mind, but he deserves a congrats, too! He really did blow your mind, and made you realize that no matter what you do, he will always have a “thumbs up” time.