Life is hard. My relationship just ended, my summer trip is cancelled, the Bachelorette just sent home my favorite bachelor contestant. Oh, chakras…if only you were more balanced, life would be so much easier!
What are chakras, you ask? Chakras are the energy centers located along the central channels in our bodies. These energy centers store all sorts of emotions and memories from our lives. The breakups, fights with parents, being rejected at bars, from jobs, and from being a Model Search America contestant…it all gets stored inside. And if you’re anything like me, it all still hurts.
When all these sad, negative emotions pass, I hope to find enlightenment. Until then, it’s just me and my dumb chakras:
Located in your tailbone region, this chakra is all about a sense of belonging, survival and money. Where do I come from? Do I have the right to be alive? Am I a failure because I can’t afford to go in on my friends’ summer house in the Hamptons? Why did my parents cut down my favorite tree? I feel like my roots have been destroyed! IT’S ALL YOUR FAULT, MOM AND DAD!
This chakra is all about sex and sensuality and being a mommy. Location: hips. What’s up with my sex life? Mmmmmmm. Sex. Do I want a baby? I’m getting older so I should think about this more. Hey you, you with the beard and the tattoos. Have sex with me and give me a baby. I’m sexy, right? What? Why? WHAT’S WRONG WITH MY SECOND CHAKRA? DON’T YOU WANT ME?
All that self-doubt really belongs in the third chakra – your center of self-esteem. Located right in your super-toned or not-so-super-toned belly. Have confidence. You’re beautiful and powerful! You can conquer all! Believe in yourself! Trust your gut telling you, “YES, WE CAN.” If we don’t believe, we will be forced to be sad poets and I couldn’t think of anything worse than being a poet. My ex was a poet. A really shitty poet.
But if you are going to write poetry, write about Love. Welcome to the fourth chakra, located right in your goddamn heart. My heart is broken because of a dumb person. You know who you are. Everyone has one that got away, right? If you don’t, you’re an asshole. I deserve to be loved! My love fuels my hate and my hate fuels my love! LOVE, WHY ARE YOU SO CRUEL?!
Do you hear me? That’s cause I’m communicating my feelings from my throat, where the fifth chakra is found! What’s coming in and out of your mouths, friends? Be honest! What is coming in and out of your mouth? I am talking to you I have the right to be heard! YOU NEVER FUCKING LISTEN TO ME BRAD AND I’M TIRED OF BEING SILENCED.
Placed right at your third eye is your sixth chakra. Intuition, imagination and the ability to think, sit here. It’s my dumb sixth chakra that was telling me he was cheating. I KNEW it! No, I don’t have proof but I KNOW because I’m a smart woman and I can SENSE these things. Or am I making this up? I CAN’T EVEN TRUST MY OWN CHAKRA ANYMORE, ASSHOLE!
Friends, I wish to see the light as I sense it shall be blissful. Your seventh chakra is located at the crown of your head, and through it beams your inner and outer beauty! “Om. Om. Om.” Am I a better person yet? No? “Om. Om. Om.”
Goddamn you, chakras.