Man Too Busy to Send ‘Happy Birthday’ Text Somehow Finds Time to Leave Voicemail of Himself Cumming

Upon waking the morning following her 24th birthday, Ursula Fletcher came across one last surprise from the night before: Henry, the man she’d been seeing, had left her a very intimate voicemail.

 

“I mean, it wasn’t just cumming… there was a lot of heavy breathing and discussion of what he was gonna do to me,” remarked Ursula. “Like, it’s not what I was expecting, but I guess I appreciate that he took the 83 seconds.”

 

“It’s kind of a birthday gift?” she added.

 

Between performing at almost weekly gigs and hosting a podcast, time is a limited resource for 29-year-old Henry. “I wasn’t even expecting to hear from him, really,” Ursula explained. “Birthdays aren’t a big deal to everyone, but like, everyone wants to be found attractive, right? And I think it’s safe to say he finds me attractive. You know, based on his sounds.”

 

“There was a while when I thought he might be preparing some sweet gesture, like writing me a song or something,'” she confessed, momentarily looking down. “But Henry has so much to do, like, all the time. Plus, this is basically the same thing as recording a song for me. Like, he said my name in it and everything.”

 

While Ursula admitted she did check her phone throughout the day, just waiting for a single text message from Henry, she was fully understanding of his incredibly complex goings-on, like jerking off via Skype or Facetime with another woman entirely.

 

 

“Look, I don’t need some kind of hyper traditional gender-conforming relationship with flowers and love notes,” Ursula said. “It would have been cool to just get like a happy birthday text before a full voicemail of himself cumming. That’s all.”
“In a way, it’s really romantic,” Ursula added. “He could have waited until I picked up, you know? To hear my voice, or to say ‘Happy Birthday.’ But instead, he chose to give me something I could keep forever: a collection of jarringly bestial noises on my phone.”

 

Henry’s schedule prevented him from being available for comment.

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