Late last night, 24-year-old Gregory Jones wanted to take action after not hearing back from his Tinder date. After very little deliberation, he decided that an elaborate dick pic would be the way to do it.
“I remembered she told me her birthday was the upcoming Saturday after our date,” says Jones about his date, Annie Mullen. “So when she didn’t respond to my texts, I figured I’d pull out all the stops and do something really special – send her a picture of my penis wearing a birthday hat.”
Jones spent over an hour staging the shot. He went to Party City and bought a pack of miniature-sized birthday hats for birds, some confetti and then returned home, where he masturbated to a Carl’s Jr. ad that happened to be on T.V. until his penis was erect enough to decorate.
“It seemed like a lot of effort,” says Mullen. “The party hat, the confetti, having to stay up while putting the party hat on – just everything. It’s so weird, because all it would have taken is three seconds to realize that I would never want to see a strange man’s dick on my phone for any reason. I especially don’t ever want to see a dick wearing a hat, even a dick I know and love.”
Despite the relatively small amount of effort it would have taken, Jones was unable to think about things from Mullen’s perspective. However, he was able to spend an inordinate amount of time touching and photographing his dick for a picture that ultimately benefited and pleased no one except himself.
“I think she probably liked the picture a lot,” says Jones. “I mean it’s sweet, right? I remembered it was her birthday!”
“Yeah, I’m surprised he remembered my birthday,” says Mullen. “But I wouldn’t call his dick pic “sweet,” mostly because I didn’t want it or ask for it. Like, he could have just texted me ‘Happy birthday.’ That actually would have been sweet, since we only went on one date. Now I can’t get the image of his birthday dick out of my head. My special day is basically ruined.”
At the conclusion of the interview, Jones could be seen staging yet another dick pic instead of taking two seconds to thoughtfully ask what would actually turn a woman on.