Earlier today, 28-year-old Taylor DeWan mistakenly yelled obscene remarks toward a particularly voluptuous float in a local public pool.
Believing the pool float to be a voluptuous woman, DeWan shouted a hearty, “Check out that aaaaaaass!” at the swan-shaped toy gliding around in the pool.
“At first we were, like, ‘Who’s he talking to?’” says Bridget Fitzgerald, the owner of the float. “Then we realized he was trying to catcall our pool float.”
She adds: “I mean, I guess if you catch it from your peripheral vision it could sort of look like a woman’s hips, if she were floating facedown in the pool.”
Refusing to acknowledge he had made a mistake, DeWan doubled down on his initial error and continued to verbally harass the pool float.
“Okay fine – be a bitch!” DeWan shouted across the lawn at the bobbing inflatable bird. “You’re not as hot as you think you are, anyway!”
Due to being an inflatable but still pretty voluptuous-looking bird, the pool float was unable to respond to DeWan’s aggression. As DeWan continued denigrating its looks, the floatie simply wafted around the pool in no particular direction, propelled by the pool’s natural currents.
“I’m not even trying to hit on you,” says Dewan. “I’m just trying to be nice! Fuck me, right?”
“He could just accept his catcall didn’t go over well and move on,” says Fitzgerald. “It seems pretty pointless to overcompensate by then insulting the pool float. I know it’s especially voluptuous for a pool float, but it’s still a pool float so you lose either way, you know?”
“Look, I’m not going to apologize for complimenting what I saw out of the corner of my eye,” says DeWan. “Sure, it ended up being a pool float. But if I see anything that could even remotely resemble the shape of a woman, I’m going to shout something nice at it, like ‘What’s up titties!’ or ‘Donk.’ That’s just the kind of guy I am.”
After DeWan eventually left, Fitzgerald tucked away the pool float away in her bag, where it would be safe from the unwanted gaze of men.