Make Sure Your Friends Know He Was Catcalling You (and Not Them)

Optimist - Reductress

You and your girls are walking down the street when suddenly some gross dude yells, “Hey baby, you goin’ somewhere?” in your direction. You look to your pals for a little sympathy—but what’s this? Each of your petty, narcissistic friends actually believes he was catcalling you as a group! Poor dummies: Clearly he was harassing you. Here are some easy ways to make sure everyone knows that you’re the most harass-able fox in this pack of wolves:

 

Be the Most Upset One

The most upset person is usually the person that something bad has happened to. So stop walking. Just stand in the middle of the street and cry quietly into your scarf. When your friends ask you what’s wrong, between gasps say, “You guys are lucky. You have no idea how awful it is, having strangers finding you so desirable all the time. Some days, I don’t even want to leave my house.” They’ll be mystified by how hard the rest of your life must be.

 

 

“Apologize” for Being So Catcall-able

Say something self-deprecating, but that still justifies how you’re the most catcall-able one. Try, “I’m really sorry, you guys. I literally get harassed like this all the time. Serves me right for doing CrossFit four times a week, huh?!” If they’re your real friends, they’ll agree.

 

Hint at Why He Couldn’t Possibly Be Catcalling Paola

Resist saying, “Paola, you have a mouth like a horse. Even semi-homeless guys can see that.” Instead, say something like, “Are you sure you want to spend all that money on Invisalign? Look at all the misery it’ll cause you!”

 

After you’ve followed these steps, all of your girls will be in complete agreement that you were indeed the one being catcalled. Now that there’s no ambiguity around this subject, you guys can have brunch in peace. Congrats!

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