Let’s face it—you’ve packed on a few pounds since you last saw your mother, and unless you’re #blessed with a weeklong stomach flu, you’ll be heading home for the holidays to a toxic up-down scan from the woman who birthed you via C-section because she was “so tiny” at your age. We’ve curated the ultimate list of loose-fitting dresses to cover your recent developments:
Depressing-ass patterned dress. Bon-Ton, $78.
The dreary fall pattern on this baggy number is just what you need to hide your recent double-digit jean size from Mom. Throw this disguise on before exiting the plane, as she seems to have eyes everywhere when it comes to your failures. The forgiving silhouette will keep mom oblivious to that gym membership you cancelled to fund your late-night taco binges. Arriba!
Body bag. Home Depot, $7.
This shapeless sack is just what the doctor ordered, along with a pamphlet about vegetables and jogging. Slap on this little shame-bag over some control-top tights, suck in your tummy, and voilà! You’ve got this in the bag—literally, the dress is basically a lawn and leaf bag.
Jersey “dress.” NFLShop.com, $99.95.
No matter how many brats you’ve housed at this season’s tailgate parties, you know this oversized football jersey will always fit like a glove! It may not technically be a dress, but it’ll distract mom from that happy hour gut you’re sporting, and win you some cool points with dad! You: 1. Mom: 0. Oreos: 37 (74, if they’re Double Stuf).
Actual sheet. Kohl’s, part of Daisy Fuentes queen size sheet set, $35.
This dress may look like your roommates bed sheet—because it is. You’ve avoided shopping because at this point, fitting rooms are basically bullies chanting for you to kill yourself. Grab Chelsea’s top sheet, cut some DIY eyeholes out of this chic number, and boom! A flattering, Ghost of Christmas Past kinda look to festively hide that weight gain from mom. If you’ve gained a little more than 50 pounds, you might want to opt for a slimming black sheet instead. Pass the figgy pudding, please!
Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak. Madewell, $248.
Your ass currently has enough girth to break the Internet, but with Harry Potter’s invisibility cloak, your mom won’t have any idea how much weight you’ve gained since your last encounter. Not only will this chic, magical number hide all your problem zones, it’ll give you full, inconspicuous access to sneaking downstairs for holiday leftovers.
Now that you’ve taken care of hiding your body from the woman who made it, you can focus on last-minute desperate measures to conceal your aging face! After all, this holiday is about family!