Look, I’m cool now. I listen to podcasts, okay? But that doesn’t mean I have any idea what they are.
It’s like Internet radio, right? Wait, no I Googled this – it’s an audio file. But it’s also video? What?
Look, don’t be so exasperated. I listened to that “This American Life” podcast you recommended. It was awesome. It blew my fucking mind. But you’d be a real fool if you now think I know exactly what a podcast is.
You think I’m not trying? You think I don’t care? I made an earnest effort. Don’t put this one on me!
You’re talking to the girl who listened through that 25-minute podcast on NYC’s waste management system, the 30-minute one on bisexuality, the 50-minute one on “pedo-baiting,” the hour-long one on how that insane, obscure movie got made (it never actually explained why). At any rate, I’m all about being informed, and then telling other people how fucking informed I am. Look, I get it. I just don’t get IT.
You think I like this?! You think I like asking the same question 20 times? You think I like being a flipping MILLENIAL who doesn’t know what a PODCAST is? You think that makes me feel like one of the cool kids?
It makes me feel like my Aunt Valerie, who can’t turn a computer on, but when it is on, she somehow finds a way to send me chain emails. She is still a really nice lady. And goddamnit, she tries.
Look, I tried! I went on the Internet. According to the Internet, a podcast is “a digital audio file made available on the Internet for downloading to a computer or portable media player, typically available as a seriesmerchan.”
First of all… I just looked up “podcast” on the Internet – and now the Internet’s going to act all coy, like I know what a “seriesmerchan” is.
Then I saw this on Wikipedia: “A podcast is a digital medium consisting of an episodic series of audio, video, PDF, or ePub files subscribed to and downloaded through web syndication or streamed online to a computer or mobile device.”
Hey, Wikipedia? You lost me at “PDF.”
Yes, podcasts are still amazing. Yes, I still have no idea how they got here on my phone. Could somebody help me out?
Ironically, it’d be helpful to me if there were a podcast about podcasts. Does that exist? This delightful storytelling medium is the only thing that can keep my attention anymore. Storytelling is the only thing that’s true in this world. That’s real. I get that. But I don’t have a fucking clue how those stories are transmitted to me. “Transmitted” is a word, right? And as long as we’re being honest, could someone explain to me how the internet works? Like, I get that computers use it and that’s how we share information, but how does it fucking work through the air? Also… electricity? How did that happen? Don’t look at me all fancy like that. I use electricity all the time. But that sure as hell doesn’t mean I know what it is.
Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to go marvel at shit.