Local Woman Cannot Believe It’s Almost August

Stunned by the influx of fall fashion catalogs and the diminishing number of Summer Fridays left on the work calendar, local woman Jorie Schuetz told reporters she simply could not believe it was almost August.


“There’s just no way Coachella was already four months ago,” said Schuetz, in utter disbelief, “And has it really been half a year since Mark sent me that text message admitting to having cheated on me? It feels like that happened yesterday.”


Schuetz added that she was caught off guard by the back-to-school sales at the mall and the new fall cardigan display at that cute boutique on Third.


“But I just bought white pants!” lamented a baffled Schuetz. “It just can’t possibly be August.”



In an effort to process the near arrival of a new month, Schuetz nostalgically looked through Facebook photos with her roommate and vocally performed basic calculations to measure the passage of time.


“If it’s almost August, that means Valentine’s Day was already six months ago, and we’ve missed my half birthday by a month,” Schuetz told friends. “That also means it’s only two months ‘til Becca’s annual Halloween House Party, and three months ‘til I visit my parents in Chicago for Thanksgiving. Can you believe it? I sure can’t.”


Friends of Schuetz agreed they too were in disbelief that the eighth month of the year was just around the corner as she repeated the realization for most of the day.


“I’m not ready for August! I’ve barely gotten a base tan. And didn’t we just pay July rent? Time really flies.”


At press time, Schuetz was seen diligently crossing out the wrong dates she had accidentally written on a week’s worth of work documents.


“I just can’t believe it,” Schuetz muttered in disbelief. “August!”


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