We all have that one friend who really excited about her life and her future when good things happen for her. It is very annoying, but don’t worry, there is something you can do to cap that joy! Next time she texts your group chat telling everyone she’s getting a promotion, knock that proud bitch down a peg or two by declaring, “Wow, I love that for you!” Here’s how to get started:
It is obviously very important that you listen to your friend’s news. If she’s got a new boyfriend, there’s going to be a long story and tons of photos. If she’s trying for a baby it’s gonna be hours about how excited she is for the journey of motherhood. You must listen very closely, because in the end she is your friend even though she’s so fucking proud of herself right now you could kill her. Don’t worry, the longer her story, the more devastated she’ll be when you say, “Engaged? I love that for you! It’s not my path, but yay!”
Let Your Friends Respond First
Your other friends are going to be extremely supportive because they’re not like you (a petty bitch). So let them do the jumping and the hugging after your dumbass proud friend announces the boring, not-super-important news to your group chat that she’s now Head of East Coast Sales? Who fucking cares! Seeing her this happy is straight-up annoying, so wait until your friends text the “OMG!!!!!” and “Wine Thursday to celebrate our #BossLady!” before hitting the chat with a quick, “Wow, love that for you! Wish I understood it more, lol!”
It is important to remember that this boastful bitch is ultimately your friend, and though it may pain you, tread lightly. Even though you may want to say, “Honestly, Francis, no one cares about your stupid yoga teacher training”, do your best to refrain from being an absolute dick! Instead, be the passive-aggressive meanie we know you are and respond to everything with “Ha, that’s a choice, and so perfect for you!”
Follow these rules in order to truly knock that bitch off her game with a little “that seems super cool for you” action! And if you are genuinely happy for your loud and proud friend, you are the problem and someone should be put in your place! Now shut your mouth, queen!!