Kelly’s Office Birthday Card Has Really Gone Off The Rails

Sources report that Kelly’s birthday card, which has been circulating around the office all morning, has officially gone off the rails.


Kelly’s coworker, Marilyn, bought a “Happy Birthday” card from Walgreen’s and has been covertly gathering signatures around the office. The card began to veer into dangerous territory by late morning, and is reported to be nearly unsalvageable at this point.


“People in this office get very competitive, even with small things,” Marilyn explains. “What started out as simple signatures expanded to include best wishes and small anecdotes about Kelly. has now expanded into stickers, pins, and heartfelt letter inserts.”


The card, which Kelly must know about at this point, now features crude cartoons, several lengthy and heartfelt essays, and at least one butchered Louis C.K. joke about aging.



“It really is a shame.” Marilyn frowns. “An office birthday card never turns out well, but this… this is just disgraceful.”


Ryan, who works in graphics, is frustrated by the situation as well.


“Jeremy thinks he’s the funny one in the office,” he says. “ But we’ll just see who Kelly thinks is funnier after she sees the little Far Side cartoon I sketched in there. Oh, Jeremy is going to be sorry then.”


Whether Kelly will be able to discern anything on the card remains to be seen. Room on the card is quickly running out, and it hasn’t even made its way to Human Resources yet. Text is quickly crowding the corners and overlapping. One coworker likened the card to the journals that John Doe kept in Se7en.


“It’s a real nightmare,” another coworker adds. “I told Marilyn that when my birthday rolls around, just get me poinsettias or something. I can’t deal with this shit.”


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