The bi-monthly Bookworms Book Club was rocked this weekend by the departure of longtime member Jennifer Cavendish. Jennifer, 27, left the club enthusiastically but now couldn’t believe that her quitting was permanent.
“I left just to see what would happen,” says a stunned Jennifer. “Sure, I threw my copy of Life of Pi at my friend Bekah, and shouted ‘Bye forever bitches!’ on my way out, but they actually took me at my word! Who does that?”
Jennifer’s stated reasons for leaving were described by other members of the group as “confusing” and “uninformed.” Founding Bookworms member Dominique Ravel states, “She said that she didn’t want to be in a club with those people anymore. We asked what she meant, and she just repeated herself, but whispered it. I get the idea that her reasons for leaving are pretty shitty.”
“I thought I’d be able to save so much money buying books,” Jennifer explains. “But I also have absolutely no financial skill set, so it was mostly guessing.”
Jennifer’s efforts to leave the door open for a potential return to the book club down the road did nothing to impress the other club members.
“She spoke ill of my mom and then made me watch her unfriend me on Facebook,” says Greta Schmidt, a longtime frenemy who was just beginning to patch things up with Jennifer. “But then last night she texted me and asked to borrow my scarf? I don’t think she knows what she’s doing.”
“But then her boyfriend texted me,” Dominique explains. “He said he’s tired of her shit, and he’s thinking of dumping her and joining our book club. It’s awkward. But great, because we have an open slot! But awkward.”
When interviewed, Jennifer was sipping tea on her couch and looking off into the distance, occasionally shaking her head. “I didn’t mean to actually leave,” She whispers. “This thing I explicitly did had logical results, and it’s terrible. How did this happen?”