EXCLUSIVE: Jan Is ‘Fine’

According to numerous accounts, Jan is “fine” and yes she means it and no she doesn’t want to talk about it.

 

Firsthand witnesses have confirmed Jan’s assertion that she is indeed fine which has aroused suspicion that she may not actually be fine. Although she really seemed like she was, “working something over,” Jan has insisted she is undoubtedly fine since early yesterday morning.

 

“I don’t know, man,” says husband Darryl Huber, appearing uncomfortable at the end of his driveway. “I mean, did she seem fine to you?”

 

Despite mounting evidence to the contrary, yes Jan is fine, really, you’re sweet to ask but no, why, did Jan look upset?

 

After being unusually quiet during carpool, driver and coworker Dan Mullens said, “Everyone else wanted to ask her what she thought of last week’s episode of The Walking Dead,” but, according to Mullens, “She just didn’t seem fine.”

 

The rest of the office immediately picked up on the startling disruption of Jan’s fineness. “She’s not wearing makeup,” whispers coworker Prithi Kharas. “She always wears makeup.” Despite protesting that she was definitely fine, Jan continued her daily tasks with an air of heroic emotional survival.

 

 

Still, Jan insisted she was fine, even while walking past an open box of fall-themed Krispy Kremes in the conference room. “Maybe it’s a woman thing,” said one source. “Like maybe it’s her period or something, but something about the word ‘fine’ that seems so suspicious.”

 

“I asked her if she was okay and that she looked upset, but she told me she was totally fine” says Jan’s assistant Gaby Rionero. “That’s when I knew something must be wrong.” Everyone in Jan’s office confirmed that she never looked like that on any previous occasion, but according to Rionero, “I’m also not supposed to make any new appointments for today, so who knows.”

 

Jan left the office around 3:30pm today, to everyone’s surprise. “I asked her if she was sick,” said Rionero, “but she said she was fine.”

 

More on this as it develops.

 

UPDATE 10:43pm: Jan has released the following statement:

 

Okay fine maybe I’m a little fucking upset about the fact that no one remembered Bobby’s birthday except me, maybe I’m upset that no one cares about spraying the Scrubbing Bubbles after every shower but then complains that the house is filthy and that I should fire the housekeeper, maybe I’m upset about the backyard being covered in the turds of an animal that everybody begged for that I knew, I just knew I would be the one to take care of, even though I have to get allergy shots every week just so I don’t sneeze my goddamn brains out, and maybe I’m tired of working in the same office as a bunch of morons in their twenties even though I have a fucking doctorate, maybe I’m sick of the vapid idiots who stick sugary snacks in every fucking corner of the office, maybe I’m tired of trying to get work done in a goddamn minefield of diabetes, maybe I’m pissed off that I still have to get vacation time approved before I make plans even though I’ve been with that company for twenty-five years, maybe I’m sick of having to pretend like I’m okay with being with a man who wants me to make kitty cat sounds during sex, okay, maybe I’m tired of meowing during sex, maybe that’s a problem, and maybe it’s all a problem, and maybe my problems should be somebody else’s problem besides just my own problem, maybe somebody around here should be able to take care of something besides whatever the hell they want to do for themselves, maybe this is the day where something I care about matters, Darryl. Maybe today is the day where I am not fine.

 

After Jan finished her statement, husband Darryl Huber added, “Whoa, you sound upset.”