IVF, Adoption, or Kidnapping: Which Is Right For You?

Your career is on track, your finances are solid, and you’re ready to take the next step in your life plan: starting a family. There are several ways for a modern single woman to have it all, and no one path is correct — but which one is right for you? Should you seek in vitro fertilization and birth the baby yourself, adopt a child from an agency, or stalk and kidnap one as they walk home alone from school? Take this quiz to see which option might fit your lifestyle:

 

1. Which best describes you?

a. A traditional homebody with a strong instinct to nurture.
b. A patient pragmatist with a natural sense of empathy.
c. A furtive planner with an obsessive attention to detail.

 

 

2. Which best describes your current car?

a. Sturdy and secure, providing all-around protection for both driver and passengers.
b. Spacious and economical, able to accommodate multiple passengers with a variety of needs.
c. Windowless and soundproof, providing privacy from the prying eyes of a judgmental public.

 

3. Which best describes your reasons for wanting a child?

a. To take part in one of the most profound miracles a person can experience in life.
b. To do your part to provide a stable and loving upbringing to the next generation.
c. To unburden yourself of the darkness with which society has infected you.

 

4. When you picture meals with your child, you imagine:

a. Mostly home-cooked meals.
b. Mostly restaurants and take-out.
c. Mostly anything flat you can slide through a small slot in the door.

 

5. When you picture putting your child to bed, you imagine:

a. Cradling your child, while singing songs you remember from your youth.
b. Sitting up in bed with your child and reading them stories you pick out together.
c. Stroking your child’s greasy, matted hair and making sure they know that no one in the whole world will ever love them as much as you do.

 

Results:

 

Mostly A’s – Put a Baby in You!

Your womb is prime real estate. You want every part of raising a child — from the havoc its gestation and birth will wreak on your body to putting your career on pause and becoming a skulking, sleepless feedsack to a shrieking flesh puppet. It dawns on you — slowly at first, then all at once in a rush of panic — that having this stranger in your home isn’t a decision you can unmake. But just wait until you get to go shopping for baby clothes! All those little socks? Ugh! Hit the sperm bank, sister — you need a crotch dropling!

 

Mostly B’s – You’ll Take It From Here!

You’ve almost got your life how you want it; now you just need to take care of this last little piece in a way that impacts you as little as possible. Obviously, any child you bring into your home is bound to change you a little, but adopting means being able to customize that change to suit your lifestyle. Don’t want to deal with diapers and baby formula? Get a baby who already knows how to walk and make sandwiches. Want to maximize the social clout of parenthood? Get one from another country, or one who is disabled (you can even pick a handicap you’d be cool with). Sure, the fleeting loneliness you feel now will be nothing compared to the string of broken dates you will suffer when men find out you have a kid, but if you adopt someone who can hang, you could probably do that for a couple years, right?

 

Mostly C’s – Look Out Liam Neeson!

Ever since you were little, you knew there was something different about you. Everything seemed to come so much more easily to the other girls. You weren’t the smartest; you weren’t the prettiest; you didn’t have the coolest clothes or even many friends. But you had so much love in your heart. Maybe if things had been different at home you’d have been able to relate to people, but even that was so hard. All you want is to be loved — to be needed like you need. To show someone you can keep them safe. No one will ever hurt your baby. No one will ever take it from you. And birdy won’t ever fly away and mommy will never cry again. You’ll have a family, just like you used to… before the darkness came… back when you were whole. Also, yay for cute baby clothes!!

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