Summertime means grilling in the backyard, racing through empty school zones, and long, lazy days by the water. But did your stupid cat waste all winter licking herself? Don’t worry, we’ve been there! Here are some emergency tips to help her slip into that bikini and go outside for once.
1. Put your stupid cat on a diet.
The only cat that can get away with lasagna for breakfast is Garfield, and that’s because he’s got personality. He’s also a man. Your cat hasn’t told a joke in years, which is why you’ve got to replace her food bowl with the cover of Cat Fancy magazine, and hope she diets her way into being a cat with a kitten body. Moments of weakness can be curbed by purring the mantra, “Nothing tastes as good as not dying alone in a shoebox feels.”
2. Make your dumb fucking cat tighten up.
It’s not enough for your cat to lose water weight—her body needs to be tight. Buy a leash and take her on long walks. The muscles she activates while trying to resist being dragged create a slow-twitch burn that tones and will have neighbors asking, “Would you mind not playing with your pussy in front of my house?” Alternatively, try enrolling your cat in two-day boot camp exercise classes like Cardio Shame Cycling.
3. Shave her.
Everyone knows cats hate waxing, so a close shave and vigorous pluck is the answer. Shave her bikini-line fur in fun shapes to distract from her otherwise average-looking body.
4. Squeeze her sad little body into a bikini.
The right bikini says, “I’m confident, but I still need your approval.” For modesty’s sake, the top should cover all six nipples, but the bottoms can be more playful and show a little butt. A sassy print is also a way to attract attention, but by far your cat’s best accessory is a smile. She can smile, right?
Follow these tips, and by this time next year, your pussy could be getting it on the reg behind your shed!