The autumnal equinox is almost upon us, and you know what that means: It’s time to get neck Autumn-scarf-ready. While your bikini body might have caught you a beach hunk back in June, it’s not gonna catch you anything once your neck takes center stage. Labor Day is just around the corner, and if you reveal a less-than-rockin’ scarf neck, your beach hunk’s feelings will wither like a maple leaf on the pavement. Here’s how to lose your summer neck and get it nice and tight for fall:
Go on a neck-targeting cleanse to banish bloat.
When you’re trying to cut loose at the first corn husking celebration of the season, do you really want to be worrying about whether or not your scarf makes your glands look fat? Avoid unsightly bumps by maintaining a diet devoid of processed carbs and added salt. We recommend sticking to apple cider and canned pumpkin to really blast those glands. If you start to feel like your head is dangling precariously on a lollipop stick, that’s probably just a gust of autumnal wind. Breathe it in, babe! You’ve earned it!
Get your nape hair under control, YESTERDAY.
Autumn scarf season takes a toll on the little sun bleached baby hairs currently growing on your neck. Just because it’s under a scarf, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t groom that neck hair. You can try trimming, waxing, whatever you want! However, it’s best to leave hair removal to the experts. You should visit a nape hair specialist at least once every three weeks for maintenance.
One word: moisturize!
Nora Ephron may have hated her neck, but you can avoid that complex by moisturizing morning, noon, and night! That autumnal wind can really dry out necks. To maintain a smooth jugular glow that says, “I spend more time grooming than enjoying nature’s wonders,” be sure to apply your neck cream at least twice a day.
Pick the right scarf for your neck type.
Ideally, you want your neck shape to evoke that of a leaf-eating mammal with a very small appetite. To achieve this effect, tie a dainty bandana snugly around the middle of your throat. This will create the illusion of an hourglass neck shape and also the illusion that you haven’t eaten, spoken, or taken a breath since July 4th.
For fat neck days, find something thick and billowing you can “get lost in.”
If your neck has a little more to love, a chunky men’s sweater tied around it will help with proportions. If you really want to make a big statement, drape yourself in an elegant cotton tablecloth and just let it hang. You should resemble a head perched atop a linen cabinet balanced on a formerly-bikini-ready-body.
In a pinch? For a scarf-ready neck quick fix, swallow eight times in rapid succession.
If a naughty apple-cider binge has left your glands looking less than statuesque, don’t panic! Use this tip popularized by Lands’ End models: Quickly swallow eight times in a row while thrusting your shoulders down. Then, lift your chin at a delicate 75% angle. Your phalanges will pop, giving you the illusion of a lovely, slender-neck.
Start putting in the neck work now, lest you find yourself carving lovelorn jack-o-lanterns all alone come Halloween.