Your mom has been acting strange ever since she visited your apartment and saw how you live. Now she seems to be dodging your calls and canceling plans. Could she be embarrassed to be seen with you? Know the signs of parental shame:
Does she constantly send you on errands when you’re out shopping together?
Your mom may just want you go grab some milk, but she might want you out of sight when she spots her coworker in the international foods aisle. You couldn’t be bothered to put on a pair of jeans instead of your old pajama pants? Are you trying to ruin her social life?
When you offer to take out the trash, rake the leaves, or shovel the walk, does she instead hire the neighbor boy?
A refusal to let you help with outside chores is a sure sign that your mom sees you as a threat to her property value. She might think $20 for a shit job by a nine-year-old is a small price to pay for you not being spotted by a neighbor. Would it kill you to wear a little makeup?
Does she make sure there’s a sister or a few cousins between you in pictures?
She might want to make sure you don’t crop out just the two of you and make it your profile picture. Clever mothers may also offer to take any family photos themselves to get out of appearing with you. You’re a living collage of her worst features.
Has she taken your letter off of her initial necklace?
This is a sure sign that she doesn’t want to answer any questions about who “M” is and why she hasn’t found a serious boyfriend yet.
Did she get a convenient rash from those matching mother-daughter sweaters you bought?
Other excuses include: shrinking the sweater in the wash immediately, leaving the sweater in a restaurant, and burning the sweater right in front of you. Aren’t you a little old for this?
Are your pictures, childhood crafts, and other evidence of your existence tucked away in a “special closet?”
Be warned: This may be an attempt to deny to visitors that you ever existed. Your childhood crafts might be just really pathetic efforts in a blind stab at creativity that she doesn’t want people to see. Why do you still care about that macaroni crap, anyway?
Has she still not accepted your friend request on Facebook?
She may say she hasn’t gotten to it yet, but don’t be fooled. Today’s Mom is very active on Facebook. She just doesn’t want to look at your attention-hungry posts about how you had a bad day and don’t want to talk about it. Hey sweetheart: it’s called a diary. Use it!
Does at least one of her friends think you’re dead?
If Margot has an a-fib attack when she sees you at Marshall’s, it might be because your mom pulled the old “I lost my daughter” trick. Margot didn’t realize your mom meant that she lost you to a sad life of spinsterdom, and your mom wasn’t about to correct her, either. This is a sure sign your mom finds it embarrassing that you came out of her body.
Did she buy you a mask?
This is an extra discouraging sign if it covers not just your face but your whole head, and if it isn’t for a special occasion, like a birthday or a family outing to Sleep No More.
If you answered yes to more than half of these questions, your mom is embarrassed to be seen with you. Your apartment is sad. Your love life is limping along. When are you going to get a job that actually furthers your career? Get your life together or start wearing that mask she bought you.