Look, we all do it. You start with just one margarita at brunch with the girls. Four hours later, you’re speaking with an inexplicable Cockney accent as you eagerly pose for selfies with your new best friend, a 50-year-old man named Norman. When midnight rolls around, you’ve passed out on your bed, leaving your pizza bagels abandoned at the back of the freezer. You’ve cut yourself off from the night cravings that used to mean so much to you!
According to new research, some women are wired to day-drink excessively, leaving them too drunk to engulf mountains of refined sugars at night, like a normal adult. But has your day-drinking permanently damaged your ability to enjoy artificial sugars beneath the crescent moon? Let’s find out!
Have you drunkenly fallen asleep while leaning against the microwave?
There’s nothing more shameful than waking up with your head against a microwave with a plate of uncooked Eggo Waffles inside. When you skimp out on your late-night carbohydrates, you don’t absorb the vital nutrients you need to sleep for four hours and then wake up at 3:00 AM to polish off a family-sized bag of Doritos. Day-drinking: it’s a slippery slope!
Have you slept through your Seamless delivery more than once?
If you’re regularly waking up to a voicemail-box full of increasingly hostile supplications from your Seamless delivery guy, you may have a serious day-drinking problem. When you’re too drunk from daytime cocktails to wait for that platter of nachos to be hand-delivered from the Mexican place next door, you’re not just disappointing yourself; you’re disappointing your roommate who already Venmoed you. Remember: If you regularly skip your fourth meal, you’re only living three-quarters of your life. It’s time to make a change.
Does your day-drinking make you break commitments to binge-eat with friends?
Your friends used to be able to count on you whenever they had a late-night hankering for handfuls of cookie dough. But after several attempts to get together for the communal joy of a high-fructose-corn-syrup-saturated midnight snack, only to find out that you we were still passed out from brunch, they’ve stopped trying to save you from yourself. The final warning sign: Your squad makes plans to binge eat without you. This is proof that your day-drinking lifestyle is harming the friendship bonds you formed over late-night munchies.
Changing your day-drinking habits at this point in your life might feel daunting, but when you really think about the way your lunchtime margaritas are leaving you dead-asleep by midnight, unable to indulge your natural night cravings, you’ll realize its time to stop lying to yourself and reign in your daytime impulses. Trust us: It’s for the best.