Is It Real Chemistry, or Do You Just Have the Same JonBenét Theory?

The beginning of a new relationship is always exciting: The butterflies, the thrill of seeing his name pop up on your phone screen, the long discussions over shared interests all night long. Sometimes, though, it can be tough to tell whether it’s the real thing, or you just have the same theory about what happened to JonBenét Ramsey and are super excited about it. Here are some helpful tips to help you get a grip on whether you’re falling in love with him, or just falling in love with the fact that he also thinks it was Burke.


Besides your shared belief that Burke did it, do you actually have anything else in common?

In moments of passion like these, it’s easy to confuse vulnerability with real intimacy. Next time you and your beau are having a conversation, try and notice if you have anything else—literally anything else—in common besides your thoughts on what happened at the Ramsey’s Boulder, Colorado home. Ask yourself: Do you really picture him being “The One,” or just “The One I feel comfortable telling that Burke used a flashlight in a jealous rage to deliver a deadly blow to his sister’s head, leaving John and Patsy Ramsey to cover up their daughter’s murder with a staged crime scene?” If the latter is true, you might be confusing your attraction to this man with your attraction to his mutual theory that JonBenét Ramsey’s brother was responsible for his sister’s murder in 1996.


Are you getting goosebumps because he’s your soulmate, or because the Ouija board you set up in this Boulder cemetery to talk to JonBenét is actually moving as the deceased pageant star tries to make contact with you?

When you’re on a date in St. James Episcopal Cemetery, it can be hard to tell whether the hairs on the back of your neck are standing up because of how close your date’s hand is on the glow-in-the-dark Ouija board he brought along, or because the spirit of JonBenét is actually present as you try and use the board to confirm your theory about her death. Try returning to the cemetery again in daylight to see if the sparks are still flying when you see his face in natural light, and when you’re really alone together.



Do you call out his name during sex, or call out the Boulder police department for their botched investigation of the murder of JonBenét Ramsey?

If you find that typically when you begin to climax, you feel the compulsion to call out the flaws of the murder investigation of JonBenét Ramsey instead of your partner’s name, then you’re probably only interested in him because he shares a similar theory about what happened in the Ramsey’s home in Boulder, Colorado on December 26th, 1996. You should probably throw this one back. Every relationship needs a strong foundation, but the foundation of your mutual JonBenét theory isn’t quite strong enough to carry you two – almost like how John Ramsey carried his daughter’s body up the stairs while the Boulder police department watched, thus allowing him to contaminate the crime scene and bungle the murder investigation of JonBenét.


Hopefully these tips helped you decipher whether you’re passionate about him, or just passionate about how he shares your theory that Burke Ramsey was responsible for his sister’s murder in 1996. Now, if only you could find a man who agreed that Full House is layered with subtle Illuminati themes and imagery!


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