Motherhood may be one of the most beautiful things in life, but it’s also one of the most terrifying. It’s beautiful because #babies; terrifying because your very existence is now a potential liability for those around you. Nothing seems to scare people more than pregnant women moving around in the world – this is your moment! So whether you’re looking for a new gym regimen to keep some of that shit tight or just looking to scare the hell out of people on your next visit to the Y, here are five training moves that will get other people moving…out of your way.
We’re all for sweatin’ it up to a little Salt-N-Pepa, but no amount of ‘90s hip-hop can erase the image people will have of you going into labor during the bridge of “Push It,” dousing that sticky stationary bike in amniotic fluid. Maybe you can go on one of the stationary bikes that aren’t so hard and pointy?
Walking is really healthy for pregnant women, but isn’t that 18-degree incline a little extreme? Wouldn’t your unborn child feel better if you walked on a flat surface? Or how about a still surface? Heck, why don’t you take a seat for a little while? You look like you’re about to start perspiring and that reminds us of the horror of childbirth.
BOSU Ball Situps
Having a strong core during pregnancy helps with balance and keeps abdominal muscles strong, but the sight of you around anything potentially fall-inducing like a gigantic blue bouncy ball is freaking everybody out. Look at them—they are completely destroying their alignment on that Pilates machine in order to stare at you in concern! Someone is going to offer to hold your hand.
Go on and center your chi, but do you really think you should be in half-pigeon in your condition? We’re just concerned that someone might get up to go to the bathroom and trip over your enormous belly. Let’s turn all these light on and have you go home. Great, everybody’s safe now.
Drinking From the Water Fountain
PLEASE WHY DO YOU INSIST ON BENDING OVER LIKE THAT, EVEN IF IT IS TO KEEP HYDRATED? YOUR DESIRE TO DRINK WATER IS MAKING EVERYONE HERE AT THE GYM NERVOUS.
By flashing a little bit of baby bump on your next trip to the gym, you too can have a machine without the wait. Congratulations and happy workout!