Dying Woman Donates Her Pussy to Drake

When administrative assistant Kelly Phillips was diagnosed with a rare and fatal illness last month, she swore to help others in the time she had left.

 

“I’ve always known I wanted to be an organ donor,” says Kelly, from her hospital bed in Boston. “The truth is, we just don’t need our bodies after we die. When I’m gone, there’ll still be people here on earth who could use my pussy, especially Drake.”

 

Phillips has been a fan of the sensitive Canadian rapper for years. “It’s clear that there is a real need here,” she says. “I mean, for a minute it seemed like he might be able to lock down Rihanna, but that fell apart. Sometimes I just ask God why some people have so much pussy while others have so little.”

 

 

Drake’s musical career has been marked by great success, with a Grammy, six BET awards, and a record-breaking twelve number one singles on Billboard’s Hot R&B/Hip-Hop Songs chart. However, despite his frequent proclamations of respect for women, the rapper doesn’t seem to be as lucky in love. “Did you see when Madonna pity-kissed him at Coachella this year?” Phillips says, sitting up in bed. “It was so sad.”

 

Phillips’ friends and family have rallied around her selfless decision. “Kelly has such a beautiful soul,” says her mother. “Even though she’s facing the end, she’s still thinking of others. It comforts me to know that when my daughter is gone, a small part of her will live on.”

 

Phillips’ thoughtful act has inspired countless others to register as organ donors, swearing to donate their pussies to needy celebrities like Andrew Garfield, Ed Sheeran, Orlando Bloom, and Jodie Foster. “We’re currently receiving more donations than we can store,” says one Red Cross official. “It’s wonderful. This is why we do what we do.”

 

When reached for comment, Phillips’ doctor, Dr. Jane Styme, M.D., was supportive of her decision. “Her pussy will be greatly appreciated by Drake. Did you know that his first name is Aubrey? Aubrey.” She shakes her head. “Telling people that never gets easier.”

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