We’ve all been there: fresh out of a destructive, on-again-off-again thing, feeling like we’ve wasted our time on a total dud. But meet Alexis Butterman, the woman who turned one shitty, borderline toxic relationship into dozens of sweeping, unchecked claims about human nature she bravely shares with everyone she meets.
The morning after her most recent breakup with Travis, the 21-year-old college senior was spotted bequeathing several pearls of wisdom onto her friends at brunch. “We’re not meant to be with just one person,” Butterman told her girlfriends, based on evidence from her one failed relationship. “We’re all just on as quest to learn about ourselves and frankly, I think monogamy is bullshit.” Wow!
“Love is impermanent,” Butterman casually remarked, apparently based on her personal experience with a man who has an Aqua Teen Hunger Force poster tacked to his wall. “It’s just a Kool-Aid we drink to mute the toxicity of existence.”
“Men are genetically predisposed to break up with the people they love most,” Butterman explained with the confidence of a tenured Harvard professor while discussing the guy who broke up with her in order to spend more time with his David Bowie cover band. “It’s proven biology. I’ll send you the study.”
Butterman didn’t feel the need to share the study as she feels her point was self-evident. And we sort of agree!
Many women would chock this fling up to a waste of time with a shitty dude. But not Butterman! Who knew so many strong-yet-grossly uncorroborated opinions could be excavated from one bad experience with a man? We sure didn’t!
“You haven’t really felt passion until you’ve made your rage towards a person physical,” Butterman mused, referring to the time she poured a gallon of spiked jungle juice on Travis for claiming his phone was broken. “Voltaire wrote about the need for that type of feeling in one’s life.”
Who knew one could milk so many obviously untrue assertions out of four months with human equivalent of a New Balance sneaker? Alexis, you’re a hero!