Plenty of people are uninterested in sports. But 27-year-old Berkeley resident Margaret Jacobs has managed to take this meaningless trait to the next level: This incredible woman has used this singular aspect of herself to construct her entire personality!
Wow, we’re amazed that this woman’s whole thing is that she hates something many other people love!
Jacobs recently attended an NBA Finals watch party in order to make sure everyone knew that she did not care for basketball.
“The tall men just run around and put the ball in the hoop-thing? That’s so dumb to me,” said Jacobs, at a recent party, making sure everyone present knew she did not care for basketball. “I guess I’m just unique in that I don’t care about like, athletic stuff? If my friends know anything about me, it’s that sports-games aren’t my thing!”
Jacobs says she wasn’t very good at sports during childhood and likes to spend her days doing other things, mainly not watching or keeping up with sports.
“What do I do for fun? Definitely not waste my time watching other people play sports,” Jacobs said. “Seems a little below me, you know?”
Friends of Jacobs are concerned with her personal development.
“Listen, we all went through a phase where we tried to set ourselves apart by needlessly hating something,” said Destiny Jones, a fellow party attendee. “But Margaret has a Ph.D. from UC Berkeley now. She just got back from an archeological dig. So she doesn’t need to substitute what could be a very complex and interesting personality with an overdone disdain of all athletics.”
“I stopped inviting her to my watch parties a while ago because she didn’t seem to enjoy them,” says friend Kevin Hadfield. “I didn’t want her to feel like she had to sit through something she hated. But she keeps showing up anyway and telling me what a bad time she’s having.”
“I even tried to ask her what she was reading at the moment to get her mind off the game,” he added. “But she kept saying ‘not the sports news, that’s for sure’. It’s pretty hard to talk to her since all she wants to talk about is one thing she has no knowledge about but blindly hates.”
Hadfield worries that Jacobs’ obsession with hating sports has left little room for other personality traits.
“When I asked her what her plans are for her thesis, she froze,” says Hadfield. “She said, ‘I don’t know yet, but I definitely know I’m not gonna write about who can throw footballs the furthest.’ Yeah, that would be a very bad thesis.”
At press time, sources confirm when the Golden State Warriors won the finals, the whole room erupted with cheer while Jacobs exclaimed:
“What happened? Oh, the guys put the thing in the hoop. Who cares? NOT ME!”
Yes, you’ve made that very clear, Margaret!