Listen, I’m not like those other girls. I’m cool. I’m not into dumb girl stuff. I like to watch football, play video games, and eat entire pizzas in one sitting without gaining weight. It’s not that I hate other women, it’s just that I much prefer to hang out with guys and also stray cats.
You won’t find me at some stupid bachelorette party, giggling while I sip my fruity drink through a penis straw. All I drink is whiskey, beer, and saucers of milk. And all I do is bro out, belch the alphabet, and chase red dots that I can’t seem to catch. My friends are crazy and we do crazy shit together, ’cause we’re bros, and also mostly alley cats.
I just don’t like the drama of spending time with other girls. I’m not interested in sitting around, painting each other’s nails, and gossiping about whatever annoying thing Ashley did this week. I’d much rather pop open a brewski or meow in a back alley until an old man throws a boot at us. I’m just laid-back like that.
It’s not my fault girls are so mean to each other! I mean, just look at that movie Mean Girls. I don’t want my life to be like that. I’d rather it be like Superbad, or The Hangover, or Homeward Bound. I don’t really enjoy stuff that’s geared toward women. It’s not that I don’t “get” it. It’s just not for me. Amy Schumer? No thanks. I prefer comics like Joe Rogan, Bill Burr, and Garfield. Get your fashion mags out of my face and lemme eat this old lasagna out of a dumpster, ya know what I mean? No drama!
I only hang out with down-to-earth dudes and tomcats. We never gossip about each other. If we have something to say, we say it. Or we scratch each other. And never behind anybody’s back. In fact, usually we do it right in the face. Ah, shit, I’m bleeding again, aren’t I? Whatever, it doesn’t matter. I’m having fun. When the gang’s all together we always have a blast. And rabies, sometimes. But it’s like not a big deal. Life is for hanging, not for trying to impress people by wearing a tight dress or being “rabies-free”.
I’m a guy’s girl, and a feral cat’s girl—deal with it.