Hello, America. (Oh my God, this is so embarrassing.)
I’m sorry, I know you’re probably really busy, but if you have like, 30 seconds, I just wanted to quickly drop everyone a line that I’m running for president.
Jesus. As soon as I said that I felt like a total idiot.
Look, okay. I’m going to keep this short. Please listen to me? Fuck. I’m already sweating so much. UGH. WHY DO I DO THIS?
My name is Claire Mitchell. I know, what a stupid name. It’s so plain and you’ll probably forget it. But try to remember it if you can because I am actually running for president and I’d really like to leave a lasting mark. I graduated at the top of my class at Harvard, which probably doesn’t mean anything to anyone anymore because people are so much smarter these days in comparison to when I was in school.
Look at me rambling like an insane person!! Who am I kidding? I need to work on asserting myself. Nobody wants a president who can’t assert herself… what was I even thinking trying to do this? I should just go back to running a Fortune 500 Company. Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I do that. It’s like, a thing. But it’s I mean, probably anybody could do it but they’re telling me it’s something I should mention. I don’t wanna brag though. It’s nothing special.
My policies? God, now that I think about it, they’re probably dumb as fuck. Literally you’ve already probably stopped reading this. I mean, if I’m being honest, I definitely have a more nuanced understanding of the tension between Iran and the United States than like, anybody that I’ve met, but I’m sure I could have read more articles or spoken with more grassroots Americans or something.
But basically—hear me out, please, I know everyone is busy and stuff but I think maybe I’ll make a good point—I just feel like Congress is consistently and effectively dehumanizing the inhabitants of an entire region of the world—the Middle East—in order to move forward with legislation that disregards the humanity and pro-Western sentiment that a lot of the civilians hold. (I am fat.) I think it’s time for a loosening of our chokehold on the Middle East. For example, embargo and sanctions… ugh, what do I even know? I’m sure there are plenty of people who are way smarter than me.
You know, I’ll totally understand if you don’t vote for me for president. Honestly. No hard feelings. I’m sorry I even went on for this long, you probably have like a hundred YouTube videos you wanted to watch today and here I am yammering on about lasting changes to outdated environmental policies as though anyone is actually interested. Like, shut UP, Claire!!
Anyway, I’m Claire Mitchell, and I’m running for president. Vote for me in 2016. If you want. But it’s fine if you don’t! I get it. Okay. I’m done, bye.
(Holy fucking shit I blew it!!!)