I spent a great deal of my twenties unsure of who I really was. I even put metaphorical walls up to discourage people from discovering the authentic ‘me’. But with a little bit of maturity and hindsight, I understand that those efforts to protect myself were actually doing more harm than good, and I’ve begun my journey down the path of self-discovery. I’m slowly learning who I am, and if I’m being honest, I don’t care for her at all.
In the process of discovering myself, I had to let go of many one-sided, toxic relationships. I tried to fill my life with people I have rich, deeply layered and mutually beneficial relationships with instead. This proved difficult. Apparently, I have trouble being direct with people and most of my relationships were one-sided because I am a terrible communicator and incredibly self-centered. Wow, what are the chances my true self is someone I don’t like at all.
In spending quality time alone, I’ve discovered things about myself I never would have known. For instance, I now know that I feel better if I eat a full breakfast before I leave the house. Also, I have debilitating anxiety and it’s really hard to be around me. Who knew there was so much more ‘me’ to uncover, and that the girl who I really am is no fun and actually pretty bad. Turns out, not me.
After coming to know my true self, I really do believe that if I wasn’t me and I met me, I would fucking hate me. That is my truth and I’m not ashamed of it.
Whenever I share with people that I am unsure of who I really am inside, they tell me to stop being my own worst enemy. That’s great advice, except I’m discovering that I actually am my own worst enemy. I’m really mean to myself and others. I say horrible stuff about how I look and act. I am quietly becoming sure that I’m a huge bitch.
Before I began this journey of self-discovery, I wasn’t connected with myself. I was walking through life in a fog, convinced that I was doing okay when really I am a true nightmare and deserve nothing.
To all the women out there thinking about getting in touch with your inner selves, I urge you to dive in. Then, once you see who you really are, run away because she’s a fucking monster!