I used to think I wanted a boyfriend. Then I realized that I didn’t want the responsibility of a relationship, and instead preferred captioning Instagram photos of cute, preferably sleepy guys with “the boy.” I’ve been in relationships before, so I’ve learned what really matters: the satisfaction of letting people know that you are dating someone, but are also real casual about it.
The caption “the boy” begs the question, which boy? The one with good hair and a winning, lazy smile. The one who might look a lot like the fourth result when you Google Image search “boyfriend.” Sorry! Some of us don’t have real boyfriends, or even want them. Just don’t tell Rebecca, with all her satisfied photos in her boyfriend’s apartment like they are the first two people to realize baking can be collaborative.
There’s just something about writing “the boy” that says, “Yeah, I have a boyfriend but I don’t give a shit. Or do I?” I don’t need to be specific because you know what I mean. And before you think I’m picky, I want to clarify that it doesn’t have to be “the boy.” It could be “this kid” or “just some guy ;),” or if my cat Mister is in the photo, “the boys.”
Sure, there are some other benefits to relationships, but can any of them compare to the warm tingle you get from the knowledge that everyone is jealous of your smug social media posts? Why go through the hassle of sex when you can post a suggestive photo of a man sleeping in your bed? Why date someone with a name and personality when you can just refer to his gender?
If we hit it off and you get the sense I am interested in a relationship, please don’t be offended if I take you back to my apartment, snuggle you up with my cat on the couch, take a picture, and demand that you leave. It’s a compliment; I think you’re a great guy to appear to be dating. And if you see on Instagram that I smacked on the Valencia filter and “the boy,” be chill. Please comment “love you, cutie,” and never talk to me again.