By now, I’m sure everyone has heard the shocking news that Connor and I broke up after two blissful years of dating, but before the rumor mill spins out of control and says that it was “100% Connor’s decision” and that I was “blindsided” and am currently “inconsolable,” I want to go on the record and say this:
I’m thrilled to begin again, and I will stop at nothing to prove it.
Most people who aren’t okay with their breakup would need to take a personal day from work, but not me! I marched right into the office the next morning, excited to make eye contact with everyone without falling apart. Sure, what you’ve heard is true: I was crying so hard that someone stabbed my thigh with an EpiPen, mistakenly thinking I had swallowed shellfish. But while that may seem to some to be the unshakable grief of a woman whose heart was mangled by her presumed-soulmate, it’s really because the very same night that my relationship ended, my Aunt Bartha died. And before you echo what everyone on my floor said: yes, I know “Bartha” seems like “not a name” that tumbled out of my mouth by way of sheer emotional paralysis, but I promise, it’s true. It had nothing to do with Connor at all.
I swear I’m fine. I need you to agree with me on this.
If I were indeed a person who wasn’t happy about my breakup, would I have changed my Facebook profile picture to a picture of me and Connor with the caption, “I am happy about my breakup”? Would a heartbroken person leave that picture up for weeks even though it hasn’t gotten any comments or likes? Before you ask, of course I saw that Connor changed his relationship status to show that he’s somehow already dating some girl named Carla now. I posted a comment on it, saying, “She seems wonderful! Good thing we broke up! I’m doing great!” which was very big of me. If I were a broken person, I could never make such a public acknowledgement of my ex’s new relationship, even if I thought doing so would surely communicate to our friends, acquaintances, and relatives that “Jackie is clearly over this breakup.” The more public someone is okay with something, the more okay they are with it. That is why I took out an announcement in the New York Times that said the same thing, okay? Yes, it was expensive. And yes, that is how okay I am.
I will not stop until you all acknowledge that I am a brave pioneer crossing the plains of Okay-ness.
I mean, what else can I fucking do to show how cool I am about all this? Name it and I’ll do it. I swear to God, I can do anything. It was so easy for me to attend Connor’s birthday party, even though I wasn’t invited. Yes, I brought all my keepsakes and mementos from our relationship to throw into the ocean because they no longer hold any emotional meaning. Yes, there was no ocean because the party was in a bar in Williamsburg, so I ended up just flushing them down the toilet, which admittedly flooded the whole place, but isn’t that just the perfect metaphor? For how fucking amazing I’m doing?! Can you fathom a more stable person post-breakup?!! Tell me you can’t. Tell me you can’t or I’ll fucking die.
The waters will rise and all will be made clean. I’m dating again.
So, in conclusion, I’d just like to casually go on the record and say that even though I barely even think about it anymore, I am very confident and happy about my breakup with Connor. Breaking up has been so fucking great, I wish we had broken up earlier than this, maybe before we decided dating in the first place.