If Corporations Aren’t People, How Do You Explain That I’m Fucking This Corporation?

We’ve all heard the anti-capitalist assertion that corporations aren’t people and therefore don’t deserve the same rights as individuals. But if corporations aren’t people, then how do you explain the fact that I am currently having sex on the reg with Berkshire Hathaway?

 

Yeah, it’s a Fortune 500 company and an incredible fuck.

 

Ever since Citizens United, progressives have been fighting the fact that corporations are technically people – but admit it, they’re just like you and me: They “live forever,” they can be in two places at once, and there’s no limit to their size. To me, these are all the reasons why corporations make amazing fuck buddies, and is precisely why I am currently hooking up with Berkshire Hathaway, the third largest public company in the world.

 

Just to be clear, I am not fucking Warren Buffet, the founder and CEO of Berkshire Hathaway. I’m fucking the entity of Berkshire Hathway (NYSE: BRK.A). And if BH isn’t a person, then please explain how it flew me to Cancun and fucked me at a La Quinta Inns & Suites.

 

And you’re going to tell me that that corporation (that gives astonishingly good head, by the way) can’t finance an entire political campaign? I’m sorry, but that’s just not the real world.

 

I just feel like it’s so reductive to say that the entity that I’m currently boning is a massive, amoral institution with the single-minded goal of turning a profit. Because I’m like, “You know what, I just made love to that ‘faceless’ corporation, and I loved every second of it.”

 

 

To those who don’t think that corporations are people, or that it’s not possible to fuck one, I ask: Did you cum three times last night because you were riding Berkshire Hathaway like a bull? Prob not!

 

Sorry but until Berkshire Hathaway stops fucking me good every night, I’m going to continue defending him and asserting that he is a “he” – a person – and not simply a “they” a multi-national conglomerate that owns GEICO and Fruit of the Loom. Even though, yes, he is those things too.

 

I guess my point is that next time, think before you say something like “corporations aren’t people” or “late capitalism is going to bring on the end of our civilization.” Because that corporation is someone’s husband, someone’s father, someone’s amazing lay. And late capitalism is the only thing getting them hard.

 

It’s all about the bottom line, baby! And by that I mean, my bottom!

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