My boyfriend Leo and I have always had a really healthy and varied sex-life. But lately, I’ve been craving something a little rougher in the bedroom. Specifically, I really want Leo to murder my vagina because it won’t stop singing “Tomorrow Belongs to Me” from the classic Kander and Ebb musical Cabaret – and I’m starting to get freaked out.
When my vagina first started singing “Tomorrow Belongs to Me,” the Act I finale of Cabaret and a Nazi anthem that signals the rise of the Nazi party in 1930s Germany, I thought maybe my cooch was just getting into show tunes for the first time. I was actually pretty excited because I believed it wouldn’t be long before my vagina started singing “Defying Gravity” or “Corner of the Sky,” and all of my favorite Broadway hits. But much to my horror, it has been weeks now and the only song my vagina will sing is “Tomorrow Belongs to Me.”
That is why I want Leo to murder my vagina as soon as possible. Like full murder past the point of no return. There is no time to waste because my vagina might be a literal Nazi.
Luckily, Leo is a really skilled lover who’s always willing to try new things. So I think he’ll be totally down to just destroy my pussy until there are absolutely no signs of life. Even though this time it’s less of a fun sex thing and more of an “I-think-my-vagina-is-a-Nazi-what-the-fuck-happened-and-where-did-I-go-wrong” thing.
Sometimes I daydream about what might have been if my vagina had sung any other song from Cabaret. I think, “Why couldn’t my vagina be a Sally Bowles or even a Fraulein Schneider?” But then, at the height of my reverie, my vagina gets to the verse about the “Fatherland” and really belts it out and I know the only option is for Leo to just go nuclear on my puss.
Of course, I have some misgivings about asking Leo to shoot my hoohoo and bury her six feet under. I’m going to miss having a living vagina. But I know that forcing Leo to mercy-kill my vagina like Clint Eastwood does to Hillary Swank in Million Dollar Baby will be doing the world a favor.
When I was in Hebrew School, my teacher, Morah Tovah, would always say it’s the silent bystanders who allow horrible things to happen in the world. I will not stand silently by while my vagina turns into a Nazi.
Now please excuse me. My vagina just got to the verse about how, “The morning will come when the world is mine,” and I want to give her a good punch from me before Leo finishes her off for good.