So, it was Saturday and I was out with my girls at the mall. We had checked out the latest sneakers at Foot Locker and were heading to Orange Julius for an Orange Julius when I felt it… “that” feeling. Oh no! I had just gotten my period! AND I was wearing white shorts! How embarrassing!
But then it got even worse: I looked down at the back of my shorts, and in a red stain as clear as day was the face of our lord, Jesus Christ. Jesus! The King of Kings was right there, in my period stain, in the mall food court! How humiliating!!
Just when I thought things couldn’t get any more embarrassing, I looked away from the most holy of stains and looked right into the perfect blue eyes of my crush, Pat O’Brian! He was walking out of Cinnabon with a giant Cinnabon while I stood there like a lamebrain with a menstrual bloodstain on my shorts that was unmistakably a message from God that He lives and reigns.
My face was as red as the miraculous splotch of the Holy Spirit!
I had been crushing on Pat so hard all year. I sat near him in math class. I loved staring at his thick brown hair and imagining him asking me to prom. Now, he was going to see me looking like a total doof with an apparition of our Savior on my shorts! I couldn’t stand it!
I would have pretended not to see him, but we’d already made eye contact so it was impossible. So thinking quickly, I whipped off my sweater and tied it around my waist to hide the Jesus blotch. Hopefully, he wouldn’t notice it.
And then HE spoke to me. “Hey!” he shouted. “I didn’t know you liked the mall.” (Pat said this, not the Lord Jesus.)
“Uh, yeah,” I replied. “I love the mall.”
Then I was about to make some more cool, chill conversation when I saw HIM see it: The Prince of Peace discoloring my shorts.
“Oh my God!” he cried out, “Literally! My God! Lord Jesus Christ!”
I have never been so embarrassed in my life! Why couldn’t Jesus have waited five minutes to send me this heavenly message? Or burned it onto toast or something like he does for other people? He may be the God of us all, but this was divinely bad timing.
I looked down and the stain had gotten darker, larger, and more unmistakably the likeness of Jesus. Pat O’Brian looked at it, and at me, and now he was also as red as the Messiah on my shorts.
“Yeah, that’s right. Jesus.” I confirmed.
“Okay. Uh, I guess I’ll see you later,” Pat stammered, and then he ran off with his friends.
I was so humiliated. I ran into the handicap bathroom and tried to wash the stain out of my shorts, but the more I scrubbed the more it looked like Jesus, and the more clear it was that this was writ in period blood. Ugh, FML!
Luckily, my mom was able to come and pick me up and bring me home so I could take off the holy fouled shorts and also put a hot water bottle on my stomach, as I was starting to get cramps. Even miracles don’t stop you from getting cramps, I guess.
Interestingly, I didn’t ever see Pat again. His family moved away that weekend which was a bummer because he was so cute, but at least it meant that he didn’t tell anyone about my period mishap.
As for my shorts, the Vatican wanted to send some officials to investigate the apparition, since that bitch Marissa tells literally everyone everything. Ugh! I don’t want those old people staring at my gross period shorts! Those are for napping in! Anyway, I’m too busy crushing on Frank Yarwood! He is sooo dreamy!