Ever since I was a little girl, I always felt as if I was meant to walk through this life alone. I never, in a million years, thought I’d be one of those other happy girls that found love when they were least expecting it. And years later, I’ve realized, yeah, I was totally right.
I was such a stubborn young woman. I thought happy endings were for princesses, not angsty girls from Minneapolis named Judalene. I never expected anyone to sweep me off my feet – not even James, the handsome man who sat across me for seven years at work. We exchanged glances, flirted a little, but I always convinced myself that he wasn’t interested in me. Turns out, he wasn’t. He never asked me out and we never dated. I wonder what he’s up to now?
People always say you’ll know when you fall in love. I used to ask my mom how she knew she was in love with my dad and she would just dreamily say, “When you know, you know.” Strangely enough, I never imagined that happening to me, but now, after all these years, I realized that wow, I really knew myself pretty well back then and my mom was like, way off.
When I was younger and complained naively to my girlfriends that I’d never find love, they would reassure me by saying you can’t go looking for it, that I should stop blaming myself, and that everyone deserves love. I took their advice and never looked for love, and at times, almost felt like I deserved it, too. But it turns out that if you don’t leave your house or return people’s texts, you really won’t find love. Nor do you deserve it. Boy, I sure proved them wrong.
But I’m happy for other women who’ve met the love of their lives. I would have loved to have a partner in this crazy thing called life, but whenever I tried to imagine someone saying ‘I love you,’ I couldn’t do it. Probably because I have trouble imagining things that have no chance of happening. My only solace in my old age was knowing that I managed my own expectations rather well.
Funny how life can just surprise you. But it’s even more funny how life doesn’t surprise you at all and happens exactly how you imagined it.
Now, as I lay here on my deathbed, I know that love isn’t going to happen for me because I’m literally about to die. Anyways, at least I’ll die surrounded by this lovely nurse, who thinks I am fine.