I’d love to invite you back to my place, but I feel like I should tell you about my recent vaginoplasty first.
Things were getting loose down there after I gave birth to my quadruplets (don’t worry, I’m single!), so I had everything tightened up. I slimmed down to the width of one finger. You can’t put a price on saving a future relationship. Although the recovery process is hell and there’s no end in sight, it was all worth it to have confidence in my vagina again! Once it’s healed, that is.
I saved a ton of money by getting the surgery in Tijuana; Dr. Garza is the best. He’s a vaginal cosmetic surgeon I found on Groupon. I was a little worried because he only had 3.5 stars on Yelp, but I decided to round up and go for it, and I’m soooooo glad I did. He gave me some powerful painkillers to help with the pain, along with a bottle of Adderall, since I was super chill about them only having B positive blood. I feel great! I totally have the energy to rub one out for you while you touch my boobs (they healed years ago).
Guess what? I’m not wearing any panties! I can’t for another few weeks. They rub my stitches. I’d let you take a peek but it’s not looking good at the moment. My hand, on the other hand, is very well moisturized.
You might have noticed that I’m lying down. It’s because I’m having trouble sitting upright, but I’m still horny, I swear. I’m ping-ponging between blinding pain and a drugged-up stupor, but that doesn’t mean I’m not down for a little under-the-panties, over-the-compression-garment action. Hand stuff is totally cool with me. And don’t let my catheter get in the way. I can’t pee on my own, but I can see in your eyes you’re getting frisky just hearing me talk about it.
So yeah, I may recovering from this silly vaginoplasty, but we can still totally do hand stuff. See? I have a note from my doctor. I promise you won’t be disappointed because I used to take piano lessons and I just got my nails done. I’m not allowed to operate machinery, but the doc didn’t say anything about dicks!
And if handjobs aren’t your thing, we can always try butt stuff, but that might not look so good right now, either.