Much like Jennifer Lawrence, Kristen Stewart and Anna Kendrick, I too am a chill girl. I take a lot of pride in being low maintenance, but the best example of my down-to-earth personality has got to be my all-consuming love of cheap wine. I know, quirky right? Especially because my dog cost three thousand dollars, so you know the whole cheap wine thing is totally a decision I’m making and not a matter of necessity.
After all, what other quality would distinguish me from my coworkers of similar background, socioeconomic status and face shape? Certainly not my dog, which cost the same as theirs—approximately a full year of in-state tuition some places.
Why skimp on the wine but drop so much money on a dog instead of finding a rescue? Well, unfortunately it’s impossible for me to live my most adorable life with a dog that costs under $1,500. But an $8 bottle of wine? Now that’s the sort of fun, hilarious thing a chill girl like me would do.
Ugh, I would give anything to make cheap dogs as chill as cheap wine, but unfortunately, they just aren’t! Our world is imperfect and cruel.
A huge perk of drinking cheap wine is that men perceive me as cool and feminine without being high maintenance. Also, saying you love cheap wine is hilarious, and being funny is another great, laid-back personality trait. I’ve only ever needed one joke—I love drinking cheap wine! Making a joke about how “classy” it is to drink cheap wine is a surefire way to bring the house, as long as that house is filled with other upper-middle class white women with other tiny, expensive dogs.
It isn’t my fault we live in a world where you have to drop thousands of dollars on a tiny dog. I like to imagine a world where my future daughter can find a totally cute dog for only $100 that will help flesh out her already super laid-back and chill vibe so she seems approachable, but also really cute. Until that happens I’m committed to living a life of being a cool, funny and thrifty woman who happens to own a dog that costs more than some exotic birds. Cheers!