Many women have gone through the harrowing experience of receiving an unsolicited dick pic. It could be from a stranger on the internet, or even from someone you know. No matter what, it can be an upsetting experience. And I thought I had seen it all when it came to hastily shot pictures of penises, but then one day the unthinkable occurred: I received a dick pic from an Android.
That’s right. A counterculture, iPhone-denouncing monster sent me a photograph of his erect penis from his Android brand cell phone.
I had been using dating apps for a bit in order to broaden the circle of men I was meeting, which is how I met Steven on Tinder. There were no red flags when it came to our private chats, but now I realize the standardized messaging format of the application concealed his true identity as the owner of an Android phone. I am totally devastated, and can only imagine he keeps his horrible alien phone in a belt clip.
We chatted a bit and exchanged numbers in order to make drink plans, and that’s when the unthinkable happened. Before I knew what was happening, I had received a picture of this predator’s genitals. That wasn’t the crazy part, that unfortunately happens to me and a lot of women all the time. The real issue was that the text was green, meaning it absolutely came from an Android and probably cost me $2. I can only imagine this monster became erect from the self-satisfaction of navigating his phone’s user-unfriendly interface!
Defying all rules of logic and science, the dick pic from his Android camera was simultaneously grainy and too clear. I saw everything. Again, the act of him sending me a close-up shot of his gross dick didn’t really rattle me, but the obscene photograph was overshadowed by the low-quality visual monstrosity on my perfect iPhone screen.
To send a penis photo is bad, but to send a penis photo engulfed in a green text bubble is an unfathomable affront to decency. What’s more, when I responded with a furious tirade against Steven’s misconduct, both sexual and technological, I never even had the satisfaction of knowing if my impassioned message delivered!
The Bosch hellscape of Steven’s holier-than-thou Android penis was the last thing I needed to see on my Wednesday evening. I’ve never felt all at once harassed by a man’s unsolicited phallic image and taken aback by a man’s bold assumption that he could send me that image from such a mistake of a personal cell. Truly, the world prefers Apple products because they’re attractive and appealing to use, unlike Steven’s penis, but especially unlike Steven’s phone.
Receiving this dick pic from an Android was a disturbing and unfortunate experience, but I survived and I’m glad I did so other men can heed my warning. Never send an unsolicited picture of your penis. From an Android. Actually, never send one at all, but if you have to, then at least have the decency to do it from an iPhone.