Scientology wasn’t just my religion, it was my lifestyle. I was a high-ranking member of the Sea Org, lived for my weekly auditing sessions, and started every morning with tai chi led by Giovanni Ribisi on the lawn of the Celebrity Centre. The only thing I loved more than the teachings of L. Ron Hubbard was the hit CBS sitcom, The King of Queens and its star, Leah Remini. Yet when Leah Remini left and publicly shamed the Church, I knew there was only one thing I could do: leave the cult I was born into to worship actress, author, and former Scientologist, Leah Remini.
There comes a time when you have to make a difficult decision: the cult you’ve given millions of dollars to or a movie star that you really, really love. Sure, my family immediately disconnected from me and I have lost money I gave to scientology, but now I can watch as much King of Queens as I want. Sounds like a pretty okay deal to me!
For most of my life, King of Queens was required viewing for all members of the Church of Scientology. Leah Remini was a mouthpiece for our religion and David Miscavige is a huge fan of multi-camera sitcoms. I was devastated when both my icon and my favorite family comedy were ripped from my grasp after Remini left the church and published her first anti-scientology memoir, Troublemaker: Surviving Hollywood and Scientology. This book—which I now use as my holy text—brought to light the wrongdoings of high-ranking members of the church. And what a bible it is! Now instead of being part of a completely insane cult, I can do the completely normal thing of praying to an alter I made of Leah Remini. Instead of sleeping, I watch the trials and tribulations of Doug and Carrie Heffernan. I am doing so much better now!
That’s why in the dead of night, I put on my maritime suit for the final time and jumped off our naval vessel. The Pacific Ocean was cold and the waves were high, but thinking about how funny it was when Doug and Carrie got Deacon and Kelly to babysit Arthur in season six, episode fourteen gave me the strength to keep going. My eyes were getting weary and my back was getting tight. It seemed like hours went by before I finally touched dry land. I rushed to the nearest Days Inn, then asked them where the nearest Barnes and Noble was, and then just rubbed my wet body all over the Leah Remini memoirs until I was escorted out. Then I went back to th Days Inn and watched the TBS marathon of “King of Queens” that airs nightly from 2:30am to 7am. That day was the first day of the rest of my life.
I have watched over 150 episodes of King of Queens since my departure from the church two months ago and am the happiest I’ve ever been. For the first time in my life, I’m fully supporting myself. I got a job as a legal secretary, just like the one Carrie had in seasons one through six. People often ask me how I feel about leaving my family and community to be the sole disciple of a Hollywood star. But what can I say? Compared to scientology, the religion of Remini is completely normal. Praise, Leah, my one true lord and savior.