I Just Want to Curl Up with a Good Book and a Huge Dildo

woman reading

When you’re young and single, there’s a lot of pressure to maintain an active social life. Most of my friends like to spend their downtime out at bars or clubs. That sounds fun, but I guess, deep down, I’m not like most women my age. I’m just a homebody at heart. The truth is, after a long week dealing with traffic and work and angry emails, I just want to go home and relax with a good book and a huge dildo.

 

And when I say “huge,” I mean it. I like thick books and even thicker, flexible-jelly dicks. You can have your late-night partying. For my money, it’s more satisfying to unwind and get lost in a good story. Almost as satisfying as the thud that King Dong makes when I drop it on the coffee table before pouring myself a glass of wine. Who really wants all the noise of a busy bar or the hassle of a nightclub? I’d rather draw a bubble bath, put on some Florence and the Machine, and come to a thunderous climax while reading The Sound and the Fury. Maybe that makes me weird or introverted. I don’t know.

 

I have a feeling a lot of women feel this way. They’re just afraid to say it out loud for some reason. No one wants to seem lame or not down, but you can just tell. I see women out all the time on girls’ nights or dates with this glazed-over look that says, “Jesus, I can’t wait to get home to my books and enormous sex toys.” There’s always one girl who ducks out early with some vague excuse. She might say she’s got a hot date, or work in the morning, but she probably just wants to get to the bookstore and then the big rubber dick emporium before they close.

 

 

I’ll admit, I get lonely sometimes, and it is hard to meet new guys when you’d rather be at home with a massive, realistically textured shaft, reading Infinite Jest. I’ve tried online dating, but I haven’t had much luck. My friends always say, “You know, maybe you shouldn’t list ‘reading’ and ‘frighteningly enormous cocks’ under ‘Hobbies.’” And I guess maybe it could make me seem boring, but I shouldn’t pretend to be something I’m not just to get a date. I’m just a big nerd; take me or leave me!

They say there’s someone out there for everyone, and I’m sure I’ll find a guy who supports my lifestyle. I’ll know he’s Mr. Right when all he wants to do is read in bed together while I aggressively masturbate with a silicon penis the size of a squash.

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