From the moment I got pregnant with my baby boy, I knew he would change my life. As my belly grew bigger and bigger, friends and strangers alike would touch me and ask whether I planned on having my baby circumcised. I did a lot of research before I reached my decision. Now, after careful consideration I’m here to say that no one’s stance on circumcision matters to me, because all penises are super weird and funny-looking, no matter what.
It’s time we acknowledge the truth that whether a penis is wearing a hoodie or a turtleneck or even being worn as party favors at a bachelorette party, penises are just plain silly. I mean, who made this thing? Seriously – it’s crazy!
We’ve spent far too much time focusing on the cultural and societal implications of circumcision, and neglected the big, floppy clown shoe staring us in the face the whole time: that no matter how you style penises, they will always be the most ridiculous-looking appendage on the human body. Cut or uncut, every single one of them goes ‘boing boing’ and flops about like a waterlogged Muppet who survived a flood at Jim Henson’s workshop.
I realize that you may be feeling defensive about such explicit discussion around the penis, so I’ll pose it to you another way: If wieners weren’t supposed to make people giggle, why did God design them so perfectly for being slapped to and fro against thighs to make a funny sound? God just doesn’t make mistakes like that, and I’m not about to question God.
“But I don’t want the other boys to make fun of my son’s uncircumcised trouser snake,” some people have said to me before deciding to snip-snip their sons. However, uncircumcised or not, all penises make me laugh out loud to myself. Does it really matter either way?
“But I don’t want my son’s penis to look different from my husband’s,” other people have also said. And I say: Don’t worry. When your husband is teaching your son how to stretch his penis to look like the Eiffel tower or tuck his penis and balls behind him to make a goat’s head, foreskin will be a complete non-issue.
Now, I know some people also believe that a circumcised penis is somehow “cleaner” or more hygienic, but have you honestly ever marveled at the cleanliness of a penis before in your life? You probably haven’t, because circumcision has nothing to do with a man’s ability to wipe his schlong clean. That’s a choice that men uncircumcised and circumcised alike fail to make, because they all look like the napping shelter dogs from Sarah McLaughlin’s ASPCA commercials. They are inherently ridiculous, unimpressive, and laughable.
People need to face the truth that whether a penis is intact or cut, baloney ponies will always be reliable comedic fodder. I know that one day my son will thank me for not messing with the aerodynamics of his tally whacker when he surprises his girlfriend with the helicopter move, where he makes his penis spin so fast she falls over. What kind of mother would I be if I took that incredible moment away from him? Exactly the same kind of mother if I did not, because neither choice matters – penises are simply weird looking all around.