I Did Whole30 and Now My Only Friends Are These Hard-Boiled Eggs

If you know me, chances are you’ll hear about my experience with the Whole30 diet. Whether it’s our first date or you’re giving me a ticket for driving too fast on the highway, you’re in for some painstakingly boring details about how my life has changed since I’ve found Food Freedom Forever. In fact, I talk about the Whole30 so much that, to be honest, I’ve lost a lot of friends. Luckily, I have 16 hard-boiled eggs to keep me company, so I’m still doing great!

 

Ever since I cut gluten, dairy, and sugar out of my life my friends have decided to cut me out of their lives. Not because they don’t believe in my new diet, but because I’m apparently “driving them fucking insane” by talking about my diet nonstop. I can’t help it though if I want to spread the Whole30 gospel while reminding my nearest and dearest that even ketchup has added sugar! It makes me sad to think we’re drifting apart, but then I remember that I hardboiled a bunch of eggs that are sitting in my fridge and I feel okay because the eggs will be my friends. I love my little eggs! We have a lot of fun together.

 

 

Sometimes I do feel bad about the sudden schism in my friendships. Last week Halle posted a photo of all my girlfriends on the beach in Montauk and when I first saw it, I was jealous. But then, I took a closer look and realized: They’re all sipping on margaritas, which is NOT on plan. So I guess that party just wasn’t for me. You know what is for me? My beautiful eggs, who are full of protein and DON’T tell me to shut up about added sugar.

 

I ended up ‘liking’ the photo, and then grabbing an Rx bar, which you’re only supposed to eat in an emergency, according to the Whole30 forums. In the end, I realized it was an emergency, because all my friends were hanging out without me and I am desperately alone sipping on this compliant seltzer.

 

My closest friend Treena is getting married in August. I’m happy she found ‘The One’, but honestly, I see red flags everywhere. Case in point: He loves cheese, which is dairy. And NOT on plan. Just yesterday, Treen asked me to come cake testing with her, and when I told her I couldn’t because I’m ON THE WHOLE30 PROGRAM, she answered, “Can’t you just have one bite?”

 

One bite?? ONE BITE?? NO, TREEN, I CAN’T have one bite. I OWE these thirty days to myself. And I owe you nothing, even though you’re my best friend and sat by me when I was in the hospital with bacterial pneumonia. Treen stopped responding to my texts after that, but I’m not worried. I know that if I ever fall ill again, I’ll be surrounded by the people love me the most: these adorable hard-boiled eggs.

 

I’m on Day 29 now, and my life feels rich with a new, slender body, a ton more energy, and oh, and my new friends, these eggs!

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