I Believe Women, Except When One Tells Me Old Navy Has Good Denim

Let me get this out up front: I believe women. I am happy that my fellow women are bravely stepping forward and speaking openly about their past experiences with abuse and harassment. But let me make one thing clear: If a woman were to tell me that Old Navy really has good denim, I’m sorry, but my response would be, “I think the fuck not, bitch.”

 

I’m truly inspired by all the brave ladies sharing their #metoo stories, so I’ll say it: Old Navy does occasionally have some cute things. By all means, rock that polar fleece zip-up or that $6.99 floral peasant top, but for the love of god, avoid their jeans. Anybody who tells you otherwise is a liar and yes, I will die on that particular hill.

 

I want to believe women, I really do, but in my experience, Old Navy jeans manage to be tight on the knees, loose on the thighs, and saggy in the ass. Who are these no-kneed women you are making jeans for, Old Navy? It’s really impressive that a clothing company owned by other clothing companies with good jeans manages to fuck them up so badly.

 

Yes, I am aware of the current social climate and all women should be believed, but if a woman tells you that Old Navy jeans are a good fit, DON’T believe a bitch. I am a happy, healthy size 8, but at Old Navy, I am inexplicably a size 2. This might have been workable if their jeans didn’t make my ass look like it was dripping off my back.

 

And I wouldn’t be saying this if I didn’t have proof: I recently tried on Old Navy’s “Mid-Rise Distressed Rockstar White Jeans” and I was unable to tell where my butt ended and my thigh began, extra denim pooled around my ankles, and my camel toe was so mighty, you could visibly make out both my labia majora and minora. This is my own personal experience, and while other women may feel differently, I know my own truth. And while I believe every woman who is brave enough to come forward, I humbly ask those who said Old Navy denim is a “great value” to step the fuck back.

 

Generally speaking, I trust women. But these are lies, lies, lies. Yes, Old Navy jeans are cheap, but they will turn your palms, your purses, and everything you love blue. Plus your chub rub will burn a hole in these jeans so quickly, that you will end up having to buy multiple pairs. I don’t understand why a woman would lie about something like this, but what I do know is that Old Navy denim is, like the patriarchy, something we must dismantle entirely.

 

“There are so many different styles.”

 

Nonsense. There is only one style of Old Navy denim: “I’m helping my arthritic aunt weed her garden today.”

 

 

It doesn’t matter which you buy, all of them will give the illusion that your buttcrack starts in the middle of your back. Also, why are all their jeans ‘rockstar jeans’? Name one rockstar who would ever wear these pants.

 

So yes, believe women! Give them the benefit of the doubt for once. But if one tells you that Old Navy has good denim, she is a damn liar who only wants the worst for you.

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