So it’s finally happened – you’ve been asked out by a gentleman and you’re going to turn him down. He’s a man who’s used to getting what he wants and viewing women as accessories to his desires, so obviously you can’t just say “no” to him. So how do you do something a normal person would do without seeming like a real, three-dimensional person to him? Don’t worry – even a valueless member of society like yourself can turn down a date with a man without having to assert your personhood. Let him project all his evil-woman fantasies onto you with these five simple steps:
1. Select A Murky Location
A true lady always knows when she’s caught a gentleman’s eye, so when you sense yourself about to be propositioned, allow the man in question to corner you in a dimly lit room, preferably with an architectural element between the two of you, such as a column. This way, the memory of the non-acceptance will always be murky in his mind, instead of a crystal clear portrait of rejection that could damage his ego for life.
2. Present A Gift
It’s always smart to have a small trinket or a food-based treat ready in your purse for moments exactly like these. If you can’t afford engraved cufflinks, I recommend Lunchables because of the focus they require to assemble – the less attention he’s paying you as you assault his masculinity, the better. Plus, he’ll be thinking about the Lunchables and not your personal history as a human woman.
3. Refer to Yourself in the Third Person
Obviously this is a ‘you’ thing and not a ‘him’ thing, so use the third person to gain distance from the words that are coming out of your own mouth. Make it clear from your speech that you don’t understand ‘her’ decision, and that you’d try to talk her out of it “if she wasn’t such a crazy bitch.”
4. Soften The Blow
Engaging directly with a man when you say the word ‘no’ is a sure way to drain his value while increasing your own, so don’t use that word. Instead try saying ‘yes’ while shaking your head, and employ exactly three non-erotic elbow touches. Any more than that is flirtatious, and any less shows a lack of compassion, so make sure your counting is precise
Once you’ve delivered the news, wait until he’s distracted by getting the straw into his Capri Sun, and walk backward fifteen to twenty paces without showing him your back, as that is a sign of disrespect in virtually every culture. Once you’ve cleared the room, change your physical appearance in as many negative ways as possible, and loudly declare, “THIS GIRL JUST MADE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF HER LIFE” while swilling vodka straight out of the bottle.
With any luck, his social circle will hear you and go to comfort him, and you’ll slip seamlessly back into the faceless crowd of people who can’t give him a boner. Great work!