If you’ve ever lived with someone really, really attractive, you probably know the feeling of wanting to seal them away for centuries as you accrue more power. Thankfully, the art of sorcery has just the solution for that sort of pettiness! Here’s how to trap your hotter roommate in a magic mirror so you can remain the fairest one in all your apartment.
Spend some me-time casting a trap spell on your mirror.
Instead of fixating on the perfection of your hotter roommate Kelly, spend some me-time casting a trap spell on your mirror. Clear away all the mental energy you spend trying to understand how her cinnamon-colored hair always looks like it just got a $300 treatment, and instead use it to focus on strengthening your own skills as a sorceress. Light a few candles and play a little Sade all for yourself, then repeat the words, “Freedoms lost and now unwitting, into the glass you’ll do my bidding!” until your mirror transforms from an antique shop steal into a device fit for trapping someone’s soul.
Send your Huntswoman to retrieve her.
Befriending your hotter roommate might be hard because looking at her beautiful face sometimes distracts you from what she’s saying. It’s best not to risk getting diversions, so once you’ve completed your trap spell, send your Huntswoman to retrieve her on your behalf. Order her to approach Kelly at her usual spot (some boutique fitness studio in the East Village) and engage her in a conversation about how they like to eat “exactly like a child, ha ha!” so they can become fast, physically attractive pals. Then have your Huntswoman entice Kelly into returning home with the promise of raw cacao. You’re 80% of the way to succeeding in your evil plan! Doesn’t this feel so much healthier?
Say, “I think you have something in your teeth.”
Once Kelly comes back to the apartment, pull her aside to say, “I think you have something in your teeth.” She’ll be all, “Oh no!” and that’s when you can casually offer to let her use your thousand-year-old mirror made of solid iron. As she leans in to see if there’s a bean sprout or something in her teeth, push her straight through the glass. There, she’ll remain trapped for all of eternity or until you release her. You did it! Your edamame-eating roommate has no choice now but to do your bidding.
Nail your magic mirror into the wall.
Perhaps the most important step of all, make sure you nail your magic mirror into the wall. God forbid it should ever shatter. If that happens, your roommate will be released and she’ll be SO pissed about what you did!
Follow this foolproof guide and your super beautiful roommate will stay sealed in your enchanted mirror for the rest of time. Just make sure to get her bank info beforehand so you don’t end up paying her share of the rent!