It’s cold out there, and you need to protect yourself from the elements while still giving off that slutty vibe of yours. Even though shivering burns a ton of calories, it’s super important to stay warm enough that you don’t die, but nothing kills boners more than a lady looking like a ball of yarn. So what’s a girl to do if she wants to survive the winter but also get some strange new D? Here are our best tips for staying warm this winter while still keeping it a lil’ slutty:
Embrace your hardened nipples.
The skin around the areola is very sensitive, and they harden up when it’s cold outside. Use this to your advantage! This is the only way in which winter weather will make your body look better. Go braless under a colorful cashmere sweater to accentuate your boobs while still staying warm.
Slutten up your usual winter apparel.
You can up-cycle old, unfuckable winter pieces for a new look at no cost. Anything can be slutty if you cut holes in it! Even a turtleneck, which is the most conservative shirt, can be the catalyst for your next Plan-B run. Cut an upside-down triangle across the front of your chest. The fabric below the chin will help you stay warm, and the giant opening over your cleave will let all the guys know you’re in heat a few months early!
Wear a hat that says “SLUT” on it.
The only plus to wearing things like hats, gloves, and scarves is that the extra fabric gives you a new canvas to write things like “Sexy” on. Make that beanie worth it and use your words!
Use Warming Lube
Warming lube is great for erotic sensation, and greater for smearing all over your arms and stomach so you can wear a crop top in February. It’ll trick you into thinking it’s not 12 degrees out so you can look hot and feel hot with the lube’s thermoception activating on your skin. It won’t protect you from frostbite, but it will prevent your vagina from freezing over till May.
Be naked under a puffy coat.
It’s not only for flashers on the street anymore — it’s also for gorgeous girls with an air of mystery! Put on your birthday suit under your coat and go make some friends at the bus stop. This look is not only sexy and sophisticated, but it’ll also make hooking up much more efficient.
Just say, “Fuck it.”
Look in your frosted-up mirror and say, “Fuck it.” Winter is a social construct, after all. Wear what you want, and tell yourself it’s hot out. Visualize the beach, meditate on feeling the piping sun. Mantras got you through Brad and they will get you through winter.
These tips will help you stay out of the ER while you jump into guys’ beds. Have fun!