So you’ve come to the point in your life where you want to hit on a man but it’s actually impossible. Thanks to technology, you can now make a move on him without having to make any literal, physical movements. Here are the best ways to slide into his DMs and then realize he’s not gonna respond and then keep on sliding away into the night.
Change Your Profile Pic
When sliding into someone’s DMs, you want to make the best first impression possible. So change your pic from the one of your friend feeding you peanut butter while you’re both wearing banana costumes to the one of you that is mostly boobs. That way he’ll notice how hot you are and respond right away. Or, he’ll see your message and choose not to reply at all, in which case you’ll stare at your empty inbox for at least an hour before trying to slide away. You better hope the slide doesn’t end at his DMs though, since you’re going to need a lot more twists and turns to pretend you were never here!
Be Smooth as Hell
You want to have something smooth to say when you’re trying to slide into someone’s social medes. So workshop a few opening phrases with your friends before deciding on the best one. After you spend 400 minutes coming up with the perfect phrase, then the dot dot dots tell you he’s typing and then go away, keep remembering how smooth you are. Use your smoothness to scoot the fuck out of there and back down the rest of the slide. Hopefully it’s a water slide that you will swoosh you away and you can fall into a pool and live at the bottom of that pool forever. Pretty smooth right?
Message Him Again the Next Day
Nothing says, “I’m cool and chill and fun,” more than following up a message that was ignored with another message. So wait until tomorrow and message him something completely unrelated. As soon as your soul dies realizing the first dismissal was not a mistake on his part, stand up on that slide. Run the rest of the way down it, allowing gravity to really do what it wants with you. Because at this point, tumbling eyeballs-first off a slide is a lot less painful than watching your moves crash and burn.
Next time you slide into a guy’s DMs, make sure you have an escape route so you can just keep on sliding until you’re dead. Because otherwise you’re just an unfucked fool on a slide! Good luck out there!