The holidays are here, which means it’s time to figure out how to keep all the magic of Christmas alive, even though you’re a grown woman now. That means getting your photo taken sitting on Mall Santa in a way that doesn’t immediately sexualize the whole thing? Next time your friends yell, “BITCH, GO SIT ON SANTA!” after getting shitfaced at Ruby Tuesdays, here’s how to put your butt onto the old man dressed as Santa Claus without making things weird for everyone around you.
Bring a Friend
One grown-up trying to recreate the fleeting moments of bliss they felt with Santa Claus as a child is kind of sad, but two is an ironic party! Grab a friend, and each of you take a knee. There’s a possibility you will both take up so much space that Santa will barely be seen, so the risk of awkwardness is much lower. Just make sure the friend you bring with you is NOT a child. You really do not want to invite that comparison. Grab a big old friend and sit right down.
Pick the Right Santa
Santa choice is crucial if you don’t want your experience to be something you need to discuss with your therapist. If Santa is too short, his head will be right at boob-level, and if your Santa even attempts a weird sexual joke in this, then Christmas is dead forever. Pick a nice, jolly Santa who looks a little dead inside if you want this photo to say, “Ho, ho, ho!” and not “Jesus, Heather, what the fuck were you thinking?”
Sit Down At a Normal Speed
If you sit down on him too fast, everyone will notice and you might hurt the Santa. If you sit too slowly, you are recreating all those classic sex-with-Santa songs, and now things are definitely weird. Remember: this is the one photo you don’t want to look hot in. So sit normally without jutting your chest out and get control over your torso placement. Congratulations, you’ve achieved maximum Christmas fun with minimal weirdness!
Insist on Standing
This might look weird too, but at least it won’t look like you want to fuck a man who resembles your uncle Gary after too many Coors Lights.
Don’t You Dare Whisper Anything
Sure, the purpose of sitting on Santa’s lap is to ask him for things for Christmas, but don’t make it weird by whispering a list of cars you hope will someday appear at your door. The quiet intimacy of that moment will make every person in the world squeamishly think “What is wrong with this adult woman?” Don’t ruin Christmas. Ask for one normal, sane present at a normal volume and keep it moving, lady!
This year, as you try to keep the sparkle in your eye from burning out, remember not to kill everyone else’s Christmas spirit in the process. Like everything else in adulthood, sitting on Santa’s lap is all about moderation. Happy Lapping!