How to Show Your Confidence for the Job You Know You Won’t Get

office sexual harassment

It’s normal to be nervous for a job interview, especially when you’re a total fraud with nothing to offer. Interviewing for a new job can be an exciting way to show the industry expertise you have been honing for years and will never be able to implement, because there is absolutely no way you stand a chance for getting this job. Exuding confidence is the key to getting through the interview and making it all the way back to your car before bursting into tears.  Here are some surefire ways to close that confidence gap, even if you only possess eight of the ten required qualifications for this job, you imposter!

 

Dress for the Part
A sharp pantsuit is a great way to show you are management material, even though you know, deep down, that there’s no way you can hack it at this level. Get pants that can be easily unbuttoned at the waist for that post-interview pint of ice cream you will need to drown your disappointment when you botch this one, big time.

 

Adding a bright scarf or accent piece to your ensemble means you’ll be looking your best to meet potential colleagues who are too good for you anyway. Don’t forget to add some blush and lipstick to brighten up that pallid, asymmetrical face of yours, and be sure to brush that rat’s nest you call hair. A little dab of perfume can finish off the ensemble and cover the smell of fear. If all else fails, remind yourself that you would have been a great secretary if you were at all fuckable.

 

Body Language
Maybe you don’t speak French like that Ivy League nymph sitting next to you – but body language is one form of communication you can control, if anything can be controlled in this cutthroat environment where you are inevitably doomed to fail. Be sure to stand upright and hold your shoulders back, shrugging off that crushing anxiety that has held you back from any success since leaving cheer squad in high school.

 

A strong handshake and direct eye contact are great techniques that won’t help you nail that interview for the job of your dreams. Don’t forget to show enthusiasm while you speak about your long list of shortcomings that prove you aren’t prepared to take on a job like this.

 

 

Add some sass!
A little bit of sass can go a long way in reminding these people how forgettable you are. Don’t be afraid to assert yourself, as if your opinion actually mattered. Listen to Sheryl Sandberg and lean in!

 

But not too far, since you didn’t brush your teeth after lunch and your breath probably stinks. In fact, you probably shouldn’t have bothered showing up in the first place. Why did you ever think you were too good for folding sweaters at Banana Republic? Your interviewer has probably already hit the giant red “IMPOSTER” alarm under her desk. If you really hone these skills, you might just feel bold enough to ask if she needs a nanny.

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