How to Serve Face When Yours Looks Like a Sweet Baby Spaghetti Squash

So you’re posing for photos and serving up your filthiest face when, oh no! You look back at your expression and it’s not what you thought. You naturally have the face of a nice little mush squash, and trying to force a sexy expression has only caused everything to end in disaster. But don’t give up! Here’s how to serve face when yours looks like a sweet bundle o’ squash.

 

Stop Channeling the Spirit of Spaghetti Squash

If you want to serve face like a fierce bitch, the first step is to stop channeling the spirit of a sweet-faced spaghetti squash. The squishy-eyed expression of a ripe gourd is literally the opposite of a sexy one. Sexiness connotes firmness and a sort of “fuck you” stoicism, not the spongy, eager-to-please expression of a plump fall vegetable. Channel the spirit of absolutely anything else aside from a spaghetti squash, like a Radio Flyer wagon or a telephone pole, since at least neither of those objects scream, “You can totally pull me apart with a fork, ’cause I’m sweet and squishy and good inside!”

 

Practice Non-Squash Expressions On Camera

If you want to serve disgusting face and get it right every time, practice non-squash expressions on camera. Doing this ensures you can catch yourself every time you serve the soft, pliable face of a raw squash – something you can’t always see that you’re doing. Practice emoting in a way that says, “I’m a sexy woman,” but then double check the camera to make sure it actually looks that way. Because sometimes you can be thinking, “I’m a sexy woman” when in reality, written all over your face is the expression, “I’m a sweet baby spaghetti squash who would do most of the things you say.”

 

Move Like You’re a Person and Not a Gourd

A great tip for serving face is to move like you’re a person and not a gourd. Try to serve face standing, seated and over the shoulder – you know, how a person with an attitude would move, not an immobile gourd without arms or legs. When trying to be sexy, it just works best not to move like a spaghetti squash that can only roll side to side. Just try imitating a sexy human and not a blue ribbon-winning “Best Squash” from a state fair for once, okay?

 

No More Thinking, “Squishy, Squishy!”

Immediately stop thinking, “Squishy, squishy!” Stop it at once.

 

Depending on your face, certain sexy looks may just not work. And if you have the face of a sweet baby spaghetti squash, no sexy looks may work at all. However, with these tips you can at least not look like a straight up vegetable!

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