Being in a happy, loving relationship has its perks, but it also comes with a major downside: having to share your dessert with your significant other. And while it might not sound like a huge deal, sometimes it’s just not worth being in a relationship when it means you have to share the gooey brownie sitting in between you and some man. Avoid the misery by sabotaging your dating life to make sure you never have to share a dessert with anyone ever again.
Have unreasonably high expectations.
We’ve always been told to never settle for less than what we deserve, and yes that does mean that you deserve your own slice of cheesecake for the rest of your life. Get mad at him for little things, like being five minutes late or not remembering your niece’s birthday. Keep your standards so impossibly high that he eventually removes himself from the situation. And of course by “situation” we mean a whole pint of Ben and Jerry’s! Boom, problem solved.
Drastically lower your standards.
On the flipside, you can always set the bar so low that your below-average suitors don’t want to see you anymore. Tell your date you don’t mind if he calls you by his ex’s name in bed! Tell him you don’t mind if you never orgasm! He’ll think you have such little self-worth he won’t want to associate with you. No man will ever make it past a first date, so you’ll never have to go halfsies on that crème brûlée. Yay!
Talk about your ex.
If, god forbid, you somehow end up going on a good date, don’t worry! The quickest way to ruin it is by bringing up your ex. In fact, don’t even bother asking your date about himself – the only man on your mind tonight is the one who broke your heart last year in Cabo! He’ll get the message loud and clear and leave you alone so that you can enjoy every last morsel of the tiramisu you conveniently ordered right before he walked out. Eat up, bitch!
Cancel last minute.
No one likes a flake – it’s almost as annoying as being forced to share chocolate fondu with your boyfriend even though it’s clearly a family-size pot of gurgling melted dark chocolate that is meant for one single person. Canceling last minute will give him the impression you don’t care – which you don’t! There’s only one thing that you care about in this world, and that’s drinking every drop of that chocolate soup. Sorry!
Follow these tips and tricks to ensure you stay single and never have to begrudgingly give your partner a bite of dessert that was actually meant for your mouth and your mouth only. And if your mom starts to worry about your dating life, reassure her that you’ve found happiness. Happiness with the ice cream sundae you’re about to devour by yourself all in one sitting, that is!