How to Not Go on a Diet Because You Don’t Fucking Have To

There are so many diet tips out there that it can be hard to figure out which option is best for you. But there’s one tip that applies to every body: You actually don’t need to go on a diet. This may seem impossible, but here are some quick and easy steps to maybe not fucking diet because wow you do not have to at all.

 

Step 1: Only Eat Foods That You Decide to Eat

The true cornerstone of this plan is to ONLY eat foods that fall into one of two categories: foods you decide to eat, or foods you’re already eating. Other than that, DON’T EAT IT. This is the only way to get the result you want, which is to live your fucking life and that’s ok. So if you’re walking through a normal day, and you spot a food that makes you think, “I would like to send that through my mouth, then body, then eventually butthole,” do it!

 

 

Step 2: Scroll Past Dieting Memes

I bet you didn’t know that the most important part of dieting is not dieting, it’s avoiding unsolicited “health” memes. The key to success is not getting nourishment tips from squares that were written by unqualified strangers and shared by someone you met at a Burger King once. Sure, they are beautiful stock photos with colorful text over them, but should they be determining your entire relationship with your body? Instead, look in the mirror and watch yourself eat a sandwich, because guess what? Sandwiches are yummy and you deserve yummy.

 

Step 3: Tell Katie to Shut the Fuck Up

Anytime Katie offers commentary on what you’re eating, offering up random food facts she made up based on one experience, or tells you how many calories are in a banana, kindly ask her to shut her fucking mouth. This is the simplest step because all you have to do is be like, “Hey Katie, no.” If Katie doesn’t shut up about things you don’t need to hear, continue eating your candy. But don’t eat it all! Not because you’re on a diet but because you need to reserve two chunks of that Snickers to plug your ears, and the rest of it to plug her mouth up. This is the best diet that is not a diet at all because, guess what, you do not have to care and neither should anyone else.

 

Step 4: Munch Munch Munch

The final step in this plan is to munch munch munch. Munch if you feel like it. And do other stuff when you feel like it. And while you’re at it, don’t listen to anything but your body and let it dictate what you should be eating. Because who would know better than her?

 

So next time you’re considering going on a diet, don’t. You actually don’t fucking have to! Good luck!

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