How to Meet ‘The One’ When You’re Bagging All These 9’s

Everyone knows that when you’re ready to settle down, you have to really settle when it comes to the looks department. But when sexually proficient hotties are constantly throwing themselves at your pussy, how do you see through the forest of Magic Mikes to the Average Joe who needs you the most? Follow this handy One-finding guide, and before you know it, you’ll finally trade in all those V-shaped groin muscles for the U-shaped beer gut you’ve been waiting for!

 

Get lost in a tourist trap.

Traveling abroad is the perfect way to meet interesting people. But instead of hooking up with sexy Italian restaurateurs like you usually do, head to a well-traveled tourist attraction and look for American tourists. They’re on a bold mission to supplement their lack of personality with photos and geographic checkmarks—total dad material! Plenty of single, cargo-short-clad guys are riding elephants in Thailand RIGHT NOW. And they have room in those pockets to squirrel away the best years of your life.

 

Date guys who message you first.

Studies have shown that women report greater satisfaction with online dating when they make the first move. Instead, wait for a guy in a Batman tee to send an impersonal boilerplate greeting to you and simply snatch him right up! So much more satisfying than using Tinder as your own personal Sports Illustrated: Male Swimsuit Edition!

 

 

Loiter in the cereal aisle.

A man who eats Cinnamon Toast Crunch for dinner is definitely ready to settle down. He needs a good woman to make sure all the big bowls are clean and to introduce him to the produce aisle. And when the snap-crackle-pop of his cereal reminds you of the full-body orgasms you used to have with your personal trainer, just look into your Honey Bunches of Oats’ eyes and remember: You’re supposed to want this life. There, all better!

 

Slam on your breaks in rush hour traffic.

It’s a fact: Average guys intrinsically have bad luck and are constantly getting into fender benders. Take control of your destiny by driving a little recklessly, and soon you’ll be rear-ended by the man of your dreams—never mind that you usually forget those within a few seconds of waking up. Note: Don’t confuse this approach with your old habit of “bumping into” that hot bartender over and over again in the club’s VIP bathroom. Ah, the good ol’ days!

 

Go out with your mom’s friend’s son—finally.

Instead of ignoring Linda’s e-mails about her son who works for a consulting firm or whatever, give in and go to the movies with him! Enjoy the lack of conversation—you’ll have plenty more where that came from for the rest of your life! Bonus: You can silently reminisce about that time you made out with Chris Pratt’s stunt double, all while seeming like you’re simply enraptured in the film. Good times, good times.

 

They say that good things come to those who wait. But when you’re ready to meet “The One,” good enough things come to those who close their eyes, point, and say “That One.” Just remember: It’s not giving up if it lasts forever.

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